Meandering whims of a curious mind

Failure Sucks!

We all fail. That’s a universal truth.

And with failure comes …

The natural consequence of that unceremonious fall from grace …

Into the damn pit of an emotional hellhole, otherwise known as reflection.

Reflection aka Denial\Self-Pity\Waste of Time (If its done too much)
Oftentimes I wonder what would have happened if I had made certain choices … handled life-changing decisions with a little more wisdom and patience. Would I be successful in my career, in stature, in love … in life? Perhaps if I had been more diligent in my pursuit of my long-term goals rather than splurging on short-term gratification, I’d be sailing a far more smoother (and desirable) route. Where I’d be meditating on my next worldly travel endeavor; flanked by my mum, dad and even perhaps a family of my own.

Rather than contemplating the rocky paths which I now traverse.

I guess we all do. It is foolish admittedly to escape to far recesses of the human mind and drum such perfect worlds of "what could have been". To daydream of such grandiose if not whimsical illusions of life that should have, could have and would have. I’m always prone to such wasteful habits … and with each retrospection, I always come crashing back to the hard concrete of reality whence its time to deal with current problems at hand.

Nuff’ said … it’s DUMB. Life starts now … not in the past … not later. It’s so easy to forget that.
(Perhaps I ought to get a tattoo for that. Stick it on my head or something)

The decisions we make affects the paths we take and destinations we reach.

So simple yet so friggin hard …

I guess the human mind, while blessed with intelligence is similarly cursed with a gracious amount of idiocy.

What pray tell, would my future bring? A crystal ball, an almanac, a magic mirror or whatever other gobbledy-gook of mysticism that could foretell my existence and purpose in this adventure we call life … an terribly exciting tool, I’m sure (if it exists) … though I’m certain it would only lead to a far more worse conclusion (or demise) I’m sure. I can’t even begin to fathom consequences of knowing the future … Heck, I’ll probably just get so bored after awhile that I’d soonest be driven insane with worry\greed or whatnot human frailties..

All in all, despite the daily grouses that plague me (and everyone else in the world), facing up to the cards that life has dealt would be the only avenue. To cower and hide, feign ignorance or even lash back with ferocity, chanting death cries to life’s unyielding nature … would only be pure folly. And yes, even daydreaming (which I am doing at the moment… hah).

It gets me nowhere but it is what makes me what I am … human, with all its fallibilities.

I should slap myself silly for entertaining such derelict thoughts. Hmmpf, I guess I’m just being grumpy …

Which reminds me …

Making the best of we have
I was watching this documentary yesterday … profiling the life and times of 25 (I think) children as they grew up … their changing attitudes, learning ability, role of parenting … as these children grew up to adults. I found it especially intriguing with its proposal to actually chronicle such a large expanse of time … naturally the cute factor (i.e. little kids) played a huge role in its watch-ability (if there is such a word) as well.

In this episode, what struck me was a single parent … with deformed hands and feet … actually they seemed more like stumps rather than any form of appendages whatsoever. She can’t even hold her child.  (No ankles, knees, elbows nor wrists) Quite sad really. But here’s the awe-inspiring part … she does so well in parenting her little one. Her little one was\is only 2 years of age … already walking and able to throw huge tantrums (as per normal :p) … and yet she still manages to discipline her child to be proper and well-mannered.

And since she has little use in terms of hands and feet, she simply uses encouraging\positive words as her means of educating her child. There is not so much of control but rather allowing the child to understand his actions and then choosing the right path.

At the age of 2 the little one can cross the road without holding an adults hand! Amazing indeed, but not as amazing as the wonderful job that his mother had done … that is empowering him to make responsible and right decisions at such a tender age.

So the point being?
Making the best of what we have … always. So come rain or shine, its always ALWAYS good to reiterate that life is only as good as one makes it out to be.

If I feel its shit, then I’ll simply get more of that foul stuff (inclusive of vomit). If life is great, then it’ll always be great. Seems very much like denial but its not even close … rather face up to reality, accept ones fate and move on …

Nay! Not only move one but even more so to …

Adapt and evolve
(Ironically a quote from the movie “Collateral” which is about contract killing … heh, even in tragedy there’s something to learn :p)

PS: Of particular note to a friend of mine (You know who you are) … stop that all that thinking shit, get back into reality and live your friggin life … the past is gone, the future is later and the present is now … so go freakin live it!

Monday is back again … and I sooo want to take leave. Why did they invent Mondays anyway? Its so aggravating … and its only 930am at the moment. I really ought to embrace the new working day with a lot more gusto but … short of being delusional from  … say lack of sleep or an overdose of "recreational" pills … its never going to happen. Hmmm, some vodka would be fine too.

My passion for the job is gone, dissipated like the morning mist under the beating afternoon sun. I’m not too sure when it adieu’-ed … I just simply lost it along the way whilst working like maniacal beast my first few years. Years passed and what was once challenging  mind games (work-wise) became dreary, mind-numbing mechanical routines.

Finding My Passion
The books all say … to find your passion and everyday becomes a joy, everyday becomes a new stupendous adventure of self-fulfilment and discovery … Ahh (*smiles) what a wonderful … DREAM. What they fail to say is … or at least obscure in some cryptic text … that REALITY tends to knock this premise off the kilter and into the hot cauldron of swill and muck … otherwise known as responsiibilities.

I could think of a multitude of reasons not pursue one’s passion … finances being the biggest one on the list … I for one, enjoy dancing, training, and …believe it or not … waitering (I really do enjoy it when I see the smile on the customer’s face of a job well done.) So do I become a physical trainer, dancer or even plunge into the F&B industry sashaying as an over-the-top happy as f%*k, waiter? No disrespect on those professions of which are all honourable but … it doesn’t put food on the table … at least not with my responsibilities.

Perhaps if I were in my mid-20s, it’d be fine and dandy to partake in this roller coaster of passion hunting. But I’m not. I’m 30 going 31 in less than 6 months. Singapore has this (should I say) "blatantly stupid" mindset that the older the workers, the less "valuable\effective" they would be. Can’t hire them cos they are

a) too expensive
b) too cheap
c) too over-qualified
d) too … (insert here for other dumb reasons)

So quite thusly, (though I’m not exacty knocking on heaven’s door … pardon the cliche) I am nonetheless unattractive to the current crop of employers always looking for bargains and what not. So leaving my job for another industry is … a step taken with much trepidation … bordering on insanity (an exaggeratingly maybe)

Sonly Duties
My parents are not getting any younger, plans must be afoot to ensure their well-being … not only daily necessities , medical expenditures and some recreational pursuits. But most of all, (as with everyone else I’d believe) I wan them to enjoy their twilight years … to be happy as much as they have ever been … its time that I pay back for all that I have taken … a debt which I will never ever be able to repay .. but one which I will be only too happy to fulfil.

Hmm, perhaps that is where my passion lies? To make my parents happy? To do well, to strive and ensure a lasting smile on my old, tired parents who have given their all and more.

I don’t know as yet where my next job will take me … a dancer, a trainer, a waiter or back to computing again … but I know what my life job is … to make my parents happy … that is the most wonderful job I have.

As what one of my dearest friends, Leslie (who works 14-16 hours a day to support his family) loves to say … Never give up, never surrender. So Monday … take your best shot cos I have chased my blues away.

   I was going through my PC the other day and lo, and behold what did I find? My old resignation letter from 6 years ago … haha … I’ve must been pretty whacked to have written this way back then. Totally burnt all my bridges with management I’m sure.

________________________________________________________________________
THE LETTER
________________________________________________________________________

   I will fondly remember "The Company" for the people that made it up: the endearing helpdesk, the kind an exemplary managers ( esp. Mr XXX and Mr YYY ), the incredibly helpful AE’s (note: AAA, BBB, CCC & DDD) and last but not the very least, the wacky yet ingenious Computer technicians. I am really grateful to Mr XXX and Mr YYY in their relentless efforts to keep these synergistic if not symbiotic relationships alive through close informal contacts with employees, constant encouragement, welfare planning and most of all, a genuine interest in the betterment of their staff. Speaking for myself, I have completely enjoyed my association with these stellar people and sincerely, hope that someday, somehow our paths will cross again and merge to continue this fruitful alliance of mutual respect and camaraderie.

   Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I conjure this letter. I wish that there could be some other avenues which I could explore, however I must face stark reality that I must direct my own future and not rely on others to create them. Perhaps, one of my greatest sympathies would be to Mr YYY, for all his tireless work to right all that was wrong and I wish all the best in his endeavors. For me, the rot had entrench itself a long time ago, and as I believe, for all the others as well. I am not one to complain, gripe, bemoan or fuss, but the true status of events needs to be addressed to stem the outflow of talent. To continue would be to lose. Such issues cannot be denied of their existence and while much have been discussed, little headway has been made. Again, I cannot stress enough, the contributions of Mr YYY in his damage control efforts, sadly though, much more needs to be done. The rot is very deep.  Many are at the edge already, just waiting for a ship to pass for them to jump on. The general consensus is that "The Company" is a sinking ship… and to stay would only amount to hari kiri, career death. Unless the following issues are clarified, more will leave.

1) Unclear career path progression

2) Pay does not reflect market rate, lack of pay reviews does not help

3) Menial task exploitation with little emphasis on high end technology

4) No definitive plans for ANY employee development

5) Little confidence in the organization to make or even allow for concrete adjustments for change

On my part, I would like to highlight that era of mass production is over and the era of mass customization is here and will be here for quite awhile. Products do not only encompasses its physical and/or immediate attributes but also the support that comes with it. Especially, in the IT arena, where information is evolving at an immense pace, one of the few avenues for differention is in product support. We are the frontline people who have the most contact with the immediate customer, that vital human interaction that goes further any phone call, e-mail, letter can ever achieve in making a lasting impression on a customer. With IT blazing a trail of fire and customers having to play catch-up(due to lack of expertise), reliance on product services are heavier than ever. We are the ones who promote the intimate long-standing relationships with customers and thus, encourage new and repeat purchases. As I have stated, customers desire services(for products) more then ever … but that can only happen if employees can expect the same from the organization itself. Service ideology must proliferate internally in order for it to emerge externally. Rather than being viewed merely as a product, technical support should be viewed as an extension of the sales and marketing genre, with a very strong influence on the bottom line. Merely purchasing technical support staff will not ensure continuity and consistency to this customer relation doctrine. Only by spending time and energy developing employees and then promoting from within, will these highly prized values be passed to those equally devoted to maintaining the ideals and integrity fundamental to the company’s success.

________________________________________________________________________

Haha, No more job for me in "The Company" … ever … not that I look forward to it anyway. Got to remind myself to keep my flagrant thoughts to myself sometimes … Very releasing, dumbass nonetheless O.o

Foreword

A rather controversial blog entry, I’m sure … peppered with a gracious amount of naivete (I admit that I’m somewhat of a novice in relationships) … to some, it might be a shallow observation on matters of the heart … to others, a conservative and maybe idealistic point of view … Everyone faces up to life differently with none being right or wrong. For me, this is much is certain, I have a long way to go with many more mountains to climb and valleys to cross … I’ve yet to see the world, much less experience it in its entirety … both resplendent splendour and raucous terror. And in this instance …well … it just me and how I see things and how I’d like to lead my life. So here it goes …

A few weeks ago, I was off clubbing in a bar (Obar in Mohd Sultan, as usual) … attending to the festivities which was my friend’s birthday. As with all birthdays that is held in a alcohol induced venue … everyone was in good spirits (pun intended). Drunken stupor and nonsensical if not delusional behaviour ruled the night … and it was all in good (well, most of it anyway) fun.

And then it hit me … A good friend with a respectably better head on his shoulders came slinging at me … What the??

Nope, he didn’t hit me physically but it felt like a ton of bricks. (Ok Ok, I’m exaggerating again.) He said,” When are you getting married?” Ah, there lies my mortality … age creeping up and the onus to procreate starts to loom ever so more like a foreboding doom. Naturally, I tried to explain my situation but quite naturally it fell on deaf ears … then in the midst of our tirade of the wonders of marriage came the second barrage of matrimonial artillery gunfire. His wife (who is also all so sweet and nice) came up and said ,”Yeah, when are you getting married? I want you to get you married in a year”

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I do believe in marriage and all the wonderful bliss that comes with it. At the same time, I’m not so enchanted that I ignore the bowel turning “issues” that come with it.

I would love nothing better than getting married. To find your one true love that makes you whole, that makes you so besotted with joy and wonderment that it makes the stars shy away at their own ineptitude. Heck, I’m a fervent fan of romance shows and tear jerker dramas. It always gives me a warm glow within …In fact, a broad smile etches across my countenance (aka I smile like cheerful monkey with a juicy banana - no puns for those sickos out there) whenever a friend gets married … it is always a happy moment … (except where the $80 - ouchie - comes in … yeah, I’m a slouch in matters of giving … I’m great with Christmas and Birthdays though)

So why am I not married? I guess there are no easy answers.

Here’s my take on all this marriage business.

People nowadays take a very trivial view on the sanctity of marriage. They give up too easily  They fail to understand the term … for better or for worst. It is all really quite sad.

There was this hoopla in the press for a few weeks, measuring the merits of marriage and the proposed alternatives. Things like men’s natural disposition to polygamy (wtf?), women’s traditional role of submission and servitude in a relationship (Lame - If we lived in the Dark Ages), the concept of cohabitation contracts and others that seem startling close to destroying the very notion of marriage in the first place.

It’s simple really (IMHO)
Two people get married for the only reason that one completes one another. They get together knowing full well that marriage is a sacred bond, a promise to care and to love … till death do us part. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? So simple yet so seemingly lost on the general populace.

Let’s look at it statistically, 40% of marriages in Singapore end up in divorce (we only lag behind the US in the category - for once, I’m glad we aren’t numero uno) … and that’s official government figures. Scary. Sigh … if divorces were so simple … Then, why in the world get married in the first place?

We human beings are blessed with intelligence, and with that intelligence the knowledge to understand the consequences of our actions. We pride ourselves on the civility of our culture. Yet for all our intelligence and civil decorum, we fail to understand and accept the sanctity of marriage itself? Where is the concept responsibility\accountability for one’s actions, actions which we perfectly understand and accept whence one goes into a marriage contract? Like all business relationships, if the contract does not bode well for you .. then don’t get married. Leave marriage for those who can honour it.

I would be naive to say that all divorces are wrong but at 40% … It is disturbing. Indeed there are cases, whereby divorce has its merits. There is no denying that. Adultery, physical abuse, psychological trauma, faded passion … in one way or another, the love is lost; there is no more feeling. Perhaps then, divorce beckons … perhaps then divorce is an amicable end? A light at the end of an arduous journey of incompatibility? Perhaps …

So why am I not married?
Fear … Fear that my happiness lies in another’s hands … Fear that it might be scaled to dizzying heights, only to to be brought down with a simple change of heart. Or simply the fear that marriage is no longer what it used to be … no more to be taken as a sacred promise to embrace, to enfold, to complete … another.

Such irrational fears … why waste energy on processes that are beyond my control … hmmm … Shamefully, I admit I have no real reasons. Perhaps a time will come when I will look back at this entry and laugh at its own simple-mindedness, at its confusion.

In the meantime, lets cast divorce into the shadows …

And give marriage the respect it deserves; there was love at one time and there will\might be again … if both parties genuinely work a little bit harder … even if it does seem like a lost cause.

Cos …

Miracles do happen.

Inadvertantly, be it marriage or divorce … come what may.

(A little principle I hope to live by)

To love someone is to give them the freedom of choice
To choose however they wished to live their lives
With whomever they wish to be with.

That to me, is to be blessed with unconditional love …

And that …

Is ultimately all that matters …

Be it Marriage or Divorce … come what may.

Dear Diary,

Well, I’ve finally come to the end of the "clubbing" road. No more weekly jaunts to my fav hang-out Obar … Yeah, yeah … I’m sure I’ll hear tons of snickering and an equal amount of jibes for my weak umpteenth attempt to let go of my nocturnal habits.

This time though, I’m certain. I will miss the people I’ve made friends in Obar as well as the endless memories garnered through my drunken stupor. But its time to move on to make something of my life. (As if leaving Obar will a difference, I’m sure some would say) Nonetheless, this few months has been a renaissance for me … re-priotizing my goals and cherishing what should have been important a long time ago.

Spending more time with family, catching up with long lost (and true) friends, making the effort to finish everything that I start (no matter how long it takes) and never stop learning. It’s time (long overdue anyway) that clubbing makes way for more enriching and healthy ventures … and a far fuller life.

I’d guess Obar\Clubbing through all its experience served to be the epitome of all that I didn’t want to be … to say a lot of things but doing nothing … this of course, does not speak ill of those who still and will probably forever frequent there (hehe) .. but rather a reflection of my own attitude in life … if I felt sad, I’d go Obar, if I felt happy, I’d go Obar, if I had nothing to do, I’d go Obar …Aye … Obar has and will always be an epicentre in this period of wackiness and wildly intoxicating part of my history.

But its time to slow down … to make plans … to strive (I know I’m a bit late) … its time to cast away the veil of mediocrity and exceed my potential … to fly. So when I’m sad, I’ll figure my lesson and be stronger from it, rather than drown myself in alcoholic nirvana (haha)… when I’m happy, I’ll call friends and family to share in my joy and in return build stronger and lasting relationships with those I hold dear and when I have nothing to do, I will improve myself to be the best that I can ever be. I believe I have relaxed enough, partied enough, bummed around enough to last me a long while …

I’m leaving my clubbing days and welcoming a new era of self discovery .. one that is more settling and hopefully with far more permanence in substantiating my own existence .. that is to leave a fond (and honourable) legacy to my future decendants (if that ever happens … so who wants an old 30-year old fuddy duddy).

Hello World, I’m back! Onward and beyond! (Hmm, I think that’s Star Trek)

Harry Emerson Fosdick:

"To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics;
To appreciate beauty; to give one’s self;
To know that even  one life has breathed easier because you  have lived that is to have succeeded"

I finally got to see the highly acclaimed made-in-singapore movie scarefest "The Maid" yesterday. I’ve never liked horror shows since I’m a huge wimp when it comes to the suspense and ghastly grossness. But heck since its been made in Singapore, surely it cant be that bad in terms of shock value (Meaning bad …We still have quite a long way before making any headway in the movie industry .. ie we suck… we are getting better though). So here I was prancing along with my 9 inch hotdog (no, its not a pun) and nachos in hand, expecting to be entertained and intrigued by this movie. I knew that it broke all box office records in Singapore and stuff like that. The media has been especially gracious in pouring accolade after accolade on the movie … so heck, what could hurt? Should be interesting and fun. … Yeah right … no sooner than 10 minutes into the movie that I almost crap in my jeans. And it didn’t let up for even a minute … I was like … GET ME OUT OF HERE! … Sacrefests normally start scaring in the night when ghostly apparitions start to gather and you know .. scare you … but crap, this movie even scares the shit out of me during the daytime spells. How the heck was I going to survive the next hour and half… ?Heck, how was I going to hold my pee for the next hour and half …?

I would love to splurge details on what spooked my ass off but I was too busy cringing, squirming and covering my eyes that I can only remember glimpses of what transpired.

This was going to be one shitty day.

As much as I wanted to leave, my wallet told me that I’d be wasting money and all that other stuff that your consicince tells you. So here I was, a 30 year old watching a movie with both hands carpeting his face, just allowing a little bitty hole of light to pass through so that my visual capacity was not totally disengaged. Felt kinda like a frigging peeping tom, to be honest.

My cinematic partner on the other hand, was having the time of her life … 2 for the price of one … a good movie about ghosts and a good movie about traumatised individuals. I swear that if something in red (that’s what the ghost’s prominent colour was) just whiffed past me, I’d go into cardiac arrest on the spot … heck, I’d puke and then go into a heart attack.

I’ve never been a big fan about singaporean made movies since they normally comprise of totally over the board sucky actors with shitty writing (Trust me on this … we’ve had loads of Z-grade films made … the worst was probably about that dumb superhero flick, V-man or something). But in this respect, they sure have made huge strides thus far.

I’ve pretty much watched most of the horror shows (All forced btw, I was tied and dragged screaming and arms flailing in to the cinemas .. well not really, but I do hate them) and I can safely say that "The Maid" was the scariest shite ever … it clearly gave me a good lesson in Yoga … all the gasping and panting from being shocked out of my wits gave my lungs a real big workout. Of course, as a disclaimer, I have to say that I am not a good reviewer in this sense since I normally don’t get to see the whole show … I can only have a fractious account of what the movie since oftentimes

a) My eyes are closed
b) My hands cover my eyes
c) I have big fat thingy covering my eyes\face
d) I go into withdrawal\denial and daydream happy thoughts
e) I get a six pack and proceed to get tipsy\drunk (Advisory: Frigging fun!)

Nonetheless, I thought this was a really good movie with a good script and wonderful twists. So like the rest of the PR campaign, I’d like put in my 2-cents worth …

GO WATCH IT!.

(And if you are scared … take Vodka)

My 3 favourite blogs thus far … they write some seriously funny shite.  I’m like … where do they think of this kind of crap anyway. The best thing about blogs I guess is that people REALLY don’t have to give a freaking damn about who or what thinks about them … Well, I’ve not mustered the courage or perhaps degraded decorum to mesh with Lords of Blogs but heck, I’m having a smashing time reading and laughing my ass off … To those who feel blogging simply barks of social ineptitude or just simply anal … well check what some of these blogs’ write up’s … Hilarious to the nth degree ..

Blog By http://stupidfamouspeople.blogs.friendster.com/

" Let me tell you something about people who own blogs: We are narcissistic, opinionated fucks. We pay money (sometimes a whole lot of money) to have our shitty opinions and photos blasted into cyberspace not because we think other people care, but because we love ourselves so much that we need our coutenance to be replicated in as many forums as possible. Why do idiots waste their time with the righteous "you should be self-respecting" comments? IT’S A FUCKING BLOG, DOUCHEBAGS. This is not Fox News. Don’t like it? Well there’s this little box at the upper right corner of the computer screen. See it? See the little "x" in that box? The solution to all your problems."

Blog By http://rockson.blogspot.com/

"I am thinking, fuck man, Singapore got so little talent until cannot find another man to be President ah? Have to make one poor old Indian man who want to rest go and try and be president again? Lan cheow ok!

Why must like this? Singapore everything good only have One, is it? One man good enough to be president, one party good enough to be gahmen, one Lao Lee good enough to be a PM, then SM, then MM? Singapore don’t have other good people meh? Maybe that’s why the Singapore song is One People One Nation One Singapore. Everything is fucking ONE!!!"

Blog By http://www.wilshipley.com/blog/

"There’s another fact you should know at this point, which is that nerds are not, inherently, asexual. We don’t have much success with women, but that doesn’t mean we are immune to their charms. Quite the opposite. We fall under such a spell that we are unable to function, and this renders us so unattractive that it creates a self-perpetuating cycle of desperate singlehood."

My Personal Note: Blogs can be ballistic to say the very least and the gracious use of profane "lingo" will undoubtedly piss some off … but, heck, you gotta admit that these folks are not only bloody funny but have very intelligent views. Sure they take pot shots filled with fire and brimstone and teeter on the edge of outright blasphemy at times but … THEY sure are the funneh ahahah … Sometimes in shite we find gold … :p 

Its my first post so quite naturally, I’d be pretty stumped as to what I should be writing. Nonetheless, I will make extra effort not to allow this to be another glorification of oneself. I’m not sure if anyone will read this but nonetheless, I do enjoy writing somewhat (It’s a lot better than shooting my decrepit mouth off … it doesn’t pay to have a mouth that works faster than my brain) Perhaps it should be a rant about politics (I’ll save u the boredom, basically corruption to the nth degree … in most places … we just take the best of the worse … yeah … I’m quite the pessimist too) or maybe tell some jokes (not going to happen, I don’t do that particularly well) … most likely though is that I’d probably devolve this whole blogging business into some crappy synopsis of what most people consider our lives. I do hope it is remotely entertaining to those who actually manage to traverse their way here … my little shack on the digital highway. Anyway, I haven’t gotten the faintest idea what will finally transpire on this blog (or I may just lose interest and let it be a collage of "emptiness" … ie … I ain’t wrinting no more … ) so I’ll see how this little experiment goes …(Woot! This all took 5 minutes!) Till next time, have a wonderful day ahead (if you’re not going to have one then try some Vodka.