Meandering whims of a curious mind

I received this from my dear worldly-wise aunt. I thought I might share this with the rest of you.

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Below is an abstract from Fr Heng’s Christmas Homily which I fully relate with.  Wish I was wiser when I was younger. 

"I want to sum up with a little story. In this story, we have a conversation between this person and God; a deep conversation. He asked God, “When you look into the world, when you look into our human lives, what do you see and sense?”

And God answers, “many of you are very bored with your childhood, so you rush to grow up, and then when you grow up, you long to be children again. You lose your health to get more money and then lose your money to restore your health. You think anxiously about the future but forget the present. And so you live neither in the present nor in the future. You live as though you will never die and die as though you have never lived.”

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Finally, I’ve decided to write something, to get the proverbial ball rolling again. For sooth, I haven’t gotten the faintest idea on what I shall be expounding upon. But I shall write nonetheless so hopefully, this turns out to be something of substance.

I’ve been actively engaged in Salsa for the last 6 months or so … 2-3 times a week and even more so at times. Never would I have thought that I’d be so indulgent on it before. It’s crazy sometimes, looking how far back I’ve come from. Though even more so, when I peer into the misty travails of the future to determine how much further, I’d have to go.

Well, suffice to say, after 6 months, I still dance like a vodka doused monkey on steroids. Sure, its seems controlled and somewhat “ok” (I’ll leave that up to the countless of partners whom I’ve stepped, poked or bumped along the way … not forgetting dropped once as well) but it all seems so contrived that it feels largely unnatural. Kind of like a cross between a 2-left footed (pun unintended) bumbling robot and a lame fish.

That is, until … the music gets to me, breathes fire into my staid lungs and coerces my leaden robotic legs to start … swaying jiving, beboping and in essence, take a life of their own.

That’s when I have the most intoxicating (well, the alcohol normally comes later) fun …

And that is equally when

I GO OFF BEAT

Ahhhh, my perpetual blight, the biblical Cain to my Abel. My lead suffers, my steps flounder, my mind goes blank … and my appendages decided to quit on me, and take up hermetic like state …Ooooh, that accursed malignant musical malady … the “winter of my discontent” (blatant plagiarism)

I GO OFF BEAT

I should tattoo that on my forehead and hot iron that on my butt. At least that would forewarn all those who traverse unwittingly into oh-so un-scintillating cacophony of wrong turns, misstep steps and overall flailing arms of wackiness; in short, my salsa.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy Salsa. I love the people. Everyone is so nice. It’s something about the dance, the culture that brings out the best in people.

And then for Salsa itself, there are times when everything seems to come out right, whence absolution descends and a tranquil surrender to the Latin beats gives birth to a feeling so magical, so divine. Its times like those that I live for, to be one with the dance, with the music.

Rare indeed, are those … but they are coming along … slowly but surely.

Just a little more hard work, a little more determination.

Perhaps it’ll take me another 6 months, perhaps longer … I don’t know but as sure as daylight, I’m gonna get this Salsa thing right … even if it kills me (metaphorically speaking, so hold back the knives).

Just gotta take it one day at a time.

Hark! I shall overcome thee, my dark enigma. I shall prevail …

Ahh, my dear Beat … my dear Salsa Beat …

I’m so gonna kick you ass … or die trying (metaphorically, once again).

PS: I’m not some incandescent wacko of instability … should you determine as such … just some quirky ramblings of salsaro wannabe, however, should you deem otherwise, feel free to avoid me … I try to do that sometimes … perfectly understandable.

Hopefully, this has not been a meaningless transcript or worse yet a pitiful tirade of exorcising my own demons. Perhaps there is some meaning to be found in those convoluted words of spaghetti … perhaps not. I’ll leave that up to you. As for me, I simply write … with little forethought.

For those who found meaning, I say “Great! Are you sure?”.And for those ho do not … I say “Enjoy my decrepit mind”

And yes, as my good friend has so graciously informed …

I am infinitely … “Lor Sor”

Every now and then, we come across something or
someone that endears us. Something so great, so wonderful that letting go seems
so improbable … but as we come into this world alone, we eventually will have
to leave alone … along with everything else that we have grown to hold so dear
… friends, family, loved ones … A natural consequence of life, it happens to
everyone, it happens all the time … we have nothing more but to rely on our
ability to adapt … Adapt … the one thing that segregates us from the animal
kingdom … one that we do so well … that has allowed us to survive and prosper
to the top of the food chain … the ability to change oneself to fit the
environment … or in this case fit the emotional turmoil of loss.

How do we
deal with it? How do we let go?

Letting go is never easy, no matter how many times it
has happen … it’s never the same. We all get knock down at various points of
our lives. The most widely proclaimed antidote is to pick oneself up and move
on … most widely proclaimed but probably least practiced. Why?

Cos’ we can’t simply forget … we can’t forget the joy,
the laughter, the smiles … we can’t forget being happy.

So how do
we let go? I am uncertain if we ever can entirely do so.

I do know one thing though … We grow stronger
compared to where we used to be … for every challenge has prepared us for the
next … unless we stay in the past and hold ourselves prisoners of our memories
of happier times, locked into an unending spiral of denial that might be,
should be or could be … as I have been prone to and many others before me. A
prisoner of our own mind, so incapacitated of logical thinking, so firmly
ensconced in the delusion … that the loss is … only temporary. That it will pass and whatever we yearned for will
come back like the proverbial prodigal son.

Nah, this is silly, foolish if not, blatantly
downright nonsensical, I dare say … building such respites to allude ourselves
that maybe … we are imagining things, that we are indeed living, quite simply
in a nightmare … from which we will awake and be on our merry way … someday.
And happiness, joy and harmony would once again be restored to our shattered
world.

Yet … we need to let go of our past, indeed even our
present circumstance if we are to move on … to live on as a better individual.
It’s never easy, always arduous and fraught with pain … regardless of the
number of times the foreboding journey needs to be traversed. Despair will
always overwhelm, fear will always encroach and sadness will be a new playmate
for awhile. Now …if we could only get over that seemingly (oftentimes)
insurmountable rock of dreary despair and dejection … those unproductive
emotions that would soonest drive proud upstanding individuals into driveling
cowards and hapless idiots … a former shell of themselves. Pessimism to the nth
degree, won’t you say? Aye … wholeheartedly.

Letting go
is hard. (Ha ha, can there actually be a more obvious statement? Seems funny to
say it.)

Albeit peppered with melancholic overtones, we ought
to refuse to allow such dark, dank and derelict thoughts …

Away dreary ominous clouds! Away cold wintry windy
bellows! Away with thee … of that we call sadness!

As assuredly, life comes anew since peeking out of
dark and heavy stormy clouds welcomes the sun, as the wrath of thunder and
lightning dissipates. And once again, resplendent growth and blooming pastures
of flowery fields with interloping running greens shall sprout forth.

In the same way, loss is only as long as we allow the
clouds to hover on our plight … our self pity. Learning to let go, we grow
stronger; we improve as we beckon closer to tranquility … the calmness to deal
with whatever life throws at you.

Enlightenment, eh? Somehow, I can’t help but chuckle
… Quite a laugh, to be honest. Since emotively, it does little to placate the
gloom that besiege those so enraptured in the tendrils of the web cloth of
forlorn.

What then?

Walking away, feign ignorance … and surrender to
cowardice?

Facing up to reality … and risk falling into the
emotional deathtrap all over again?

Or perhaps, we should take a gander at the word
“loss” … a word that denotes ownership … to claim property. Then in truth, we have
never lost since we can never truly own anything or anyone.

Any other way, would be selfish.

So I say …
live this adventure we call life, grab it by its horns and ride it through …
taking the scratches along the way with a smile, ponder a little while upon its
experiences … good and bad … and be
thankful that we were blessed with joyous moments from which we get to smile
about from time to time.

I’ve been awfully neglectful of
blogging of late … about 6 months to be exact … pretty much neglectful of a lot
of things as well. Fell off the ship, so to speak. Though I am starting to
right myself up again … I’ve learnt one thing though about myself … never let
emotions play wind to my sail … so far, it has seldom done me good … only a lot
more unnecessary duress, anxiety, heartache, despair and … well, you know the
rest.

Then again, it brings me to point of
truism … “through adversity we learn and grow” or perhaps another along the
lines of infinitesimally used cliche “No pain, no gain”. My question is … when
does this pain or adversity prove to be overbearing, when does it prove to be
too much that it simply debases and gets chortled off as “stupidity”?

Perhaps I’ve been missing the
lessons that I’m supposed to learn. Blinded by the emotive plays that my mind
endeavors to perpetuate in that little cranium of mine. I assume most people
(except the excruciatingly most heartless) will succumb to such derelict
musings from time to time … a fact of life or perhaps the bane of humanity for
having the so-called most developed brain.

For all our exhortations of
intellectual supremacy in the universal world (as we know it, unless with find
irrefutable proof of little green men), we still play slaves to our feelings,
our cares, our fears … The Einteins, Kasparovs (World Chess Champion) and
Beethovens of the world have been sidelined at one point or another by such
eccentric if not, illogical behavior when beset with unstable emotional
synapses (I could have used belligerence or simpler words, but heck, I simply
wanted to put “synapses” somewhere in there)

Control … control would be the
keyword (as I’m sure many would predispose). Control of one’s feelings, a control
that is shaped and sharpened through life experiences (or deluded by drugs like
Prozac) … to avoid or overcome … to become unaffected to that consequence, of
matters that would otherwise reduce a proud upstanding individual to a
whimpering fool bereft of forethought and ability to make logical decisions. Surely, somewhere in all those
endorphins, serotonins and other scientific mumbo jumbo that induces emotions
lies an answer … (we just got to figure out how to consciously secrete them in
proper amounts). Through control, would we not be better equipped to life’s
follies? To be able to embrace serenity in light of stresses that besieges us
on a routine basis.

A delightful thought … a thought
nonetheless … a trifling whimsical figment of an over-imaginative mind.

What then of that that makes us
human? Do we devolve\evolve to an era of automatons … of Asimov’s unfeeling
robots … where hate, fear and angst are no more … where in kind, love, courage
and passion similarly dissipate to nothingness? Do we lose ourselves?

A conundrum indeed … as apparent as
this entry indicates of my complete lack of clarity on this subject … I shall
put my faith in learning whom I am and hopefully, (nay, rather definitely) … be
a better person … through, not in controlling my emotions but rather embracing
them for what they are … embracing myself for who I am and in that effect … Acceptance
… that this is the way I am, that this is what makes me “Me”

Tampered, of course

… with a healthy dose of moderation.

The New Year has always been somewhat a curious time. A time
where people are embolden by a new sense of purpose and resolve to make changes
in their lives. Everyone makes a resolution to do one better, to improve their
stock in life.

Perhaps the most overstated resolution made by every Tom,
Dick or Harry (or Jane, for the feminsitically-correct; Btw there is no such word,
if you’re looking) is losing weight. We all seem to be food addicts and with
the festive season newly over, the onus to shed, has taken (as usual) on a religious fervor. The
battle cry seems to be one of “To Death All Ye FATS. To Death All Ye Fat Rubber
Thingies On Thy Waist.” Quite simply, the evil “D” word … diet, diet, diet. (I
can almost  hear it, the cries of “Ewwww!” emanating all over the world.)

In this spirit of belly-hell, the Sunday Times did a take on
the surge of registrations in fitness, dance and slimming classes. The
percentile was being pitched around 30 percent increase in participants. And so
these glassy-eyed initiates are thrust into the world of gut-busting exercise
regimes, the stork-balancing grace of pirouettes and delirious slim-fest of
detoxifications, body wraps and … well, overall starvation, IMHO.

Ermm, pardon my skeptism, but does it work? I mean, from newspaper-speak; All these seemed to be
parlayed like an annual exodus from the land of uber rich foods, habitually
indolent lifestyles and overall aversion to activity. (Ok, I’m exaggerating …
but the point should be fairly obvious :p) All this spirit of betterment is
truly encouraging and indeed very admirable.

Unfortunately, whilst focusing on that Brad Pitt\Angelina
Jolie–esque ostentatious appearance, the internal changes are forgotten, overlooked
or ignored.  Here I believe, is where a
“trip up” in effort is forthcoming. Where people fall down. Without the change
in mindset, there will never be due diligence to the efforts required for real
change.

Perhaps as a tongue-in-cheek, the Sunday Times concluded it
article with a delightful quip from a fitness employee who had resigned herself to longer hours during this peak period.

”I’ll just have to wait until February to take my vacation.”
Hilarious.

The Acceptance of a New Healthy Mindset
Sure,gaining the desired figure is the outcome and in a
sense, we should manage our activities by the results of those actions.
(Otherwise, it just a lot of work done with little or no progress.) However,
losing weight isn’t only about
dropping the pounds and cutting the inches. It’s about the resolve. The unwavering tenacity to change for the
better.

Let changes in looks, poundage or inches, the superficial
outcomes, be the motivation but let the changes in our attitudes, be the
objective, the final destination. These changes are what will take everyone to
the next level, that is …

Losing weight and
keeping it off.

At the risk of stating the (over- blatantly) obvious, losing
weight and making it stay off is no easy matter. It takes a lot of effort and
will power. But, as in all resolutions, the rewards are great …

Not only in how we look but
how much more we will believe in ourselves.

That, I dare say, is priceless.

I surmise, almost everyone made somewhat of a resolve to
lose\gain weight on this New Year. I made the same one too (and a host of
others). Let’s hope we all meet our resollutions.

Ooops, me bad … I meant to say … We will all meet all our resoltuions.

Welcome 2006, may we make the best of it.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Dinner and dance was around the corner and I hadn’t had an inkling of what I was to wear. The theme this year was “Shanghai Noon”. The one with Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson – all those Cowboys, Indians and Chinese-y thrown together like one huge blender of cacophonic laughter. Anyway, I went with the Native American Red Indian this year. Got the costume and now had to source for the face paint. (Which is the only reason I went for it. Cosmetics, here I come … haha)

In my exploration of the Red Indian culture, I stumbled upon the story of Chief Crazy Horse. Apparently, he was a well respected warrior who fought with utmost courage in what he believed in. Certainly piqued my interest. So as I delved deeper into his enigma, I came across this:

(A short synopsis: Men from the West occupied Indian lands for gold, produce and expansion. They took the lands by force or by deception and sent the Indians packing to remote reserves. Pretty sucky)

Chief Crazy Horse:
"We did not ask you white men to come here.
The Great Spirit gave us this country as a home.
You had yours.
We did not interfere with you.
The Great Spirit gave us plenty of land to live on, and buffalo, deer, antelope and other game.
But you have come here, you are taking my land from me, you are killing off our game, so it hard for us to live.
Now, you tell us to work for a living,
but the Great Spirit did not make us to work,
but to live by hunting.
You white men can work if you want to.
We did not interfere with you, and again you say
why do you not become civilized?
We do not want your civilization!
We would live as our fathers did, and their
fathers before them. "

Here’s the line that struck me:
Why do you not become civilized?

What denotes “civilized”?

I read in the "Today" newspaper, a week or two ago, an article concerning the economic policies of our fair weathered Singapore government. By and large, the writer made perfect monetary sense in encouraging or at least highlighting that the government was not keeping pace (or rather restrictive) with certain avenues of openness. The government was not homogeneous in its approach to endow openness across the board and this would indelibly constrain other economic possibilities for growth.

This individual, a Fellow with the Political\Social Science department of our local University, was stating that we weren’t following the times, that we, though more open than before, were lacking when compared to the global arena. Thusly, we lose out on whatever financial echelons that we might otherwise achieve.

Here’s the kicker. He offers up the restriction on Gay Nation Celebration and Satellite Dishes among others as opposed to the permissive stance on Integrated Resorts (ie. Casino … its amazing what the marketing people can do to parlay the notion of gambling into something so innocent) as examples.

In other words, if Casino = yes, then GNC (Not the company) and SD = yes as well? (That’s what I implied from it anyway.)

To this, I say, “Huh?” (More like "WTF?" actually)

Surely, for such wide-ranging policies, shouldn’t the greater overall picture be taken? Not lest simply the economic state of affairs.

Here is a scholar all worldly-wise and “unbelievably“ well-educated, yet he needles the government on the satellite dishes and gay parades.

Just as the white men took over Native American Indian lands and yet label them as uncivilized, are we not somewhat similar? In our thirst to be truly global and competitive, do we forego our civilities, do we gray what is right and what is wrong?

Gay Nation Celebration … why the need for promoting the gay lifestyle. I can understand being gay and all, but why promote it? If the heterosexuals don’t have a Hetero Nation Day, why then a Gay Day? Why is there this need to differentiate? Are we not of the same human race?

Besides, what is the parade celebrating anyway? Maybe it’s there to tell people that its OK to be gay … maybe its for acceptance …

Or perhaps it’s a way to say it’s the right way or allowable way? Then again, how can it be the right way when the very nature of gayness goes against the laws of procreation? (Highly controversial, so I’ll leave that up to debate) For what other purpose does the “meeting” between couples be for?

Stripped down to the basics, it’s about celebrating desire … desire to have feelings for another of the same sex or the desire to have sexual relations with the same sex. Let’s be serious … birth is not possible … so for what other purpose is there, but to promote desire?

Being gay is alright. Nothing remotely wrong with that. Where I disagree is the notion of having a beach parade for it, to celebrate its “glory”. We are still Asian. We have our customs and cultures, seeped in traditional, though sometime backward nomenclature, exhibit admirable qualities of acceptable civil behavior.

Prancing around on a beach celebrating a “different“ sexual orientation simply doesn’t correlate.

So now, what about satellite dishes (SD)? With SD flows the host of uncensored deluge of human "shame" (depends on how you see it) … violence and sex (those that belittle the opposite sex as toys). Whilst others may proclaim our intellectual ability to discern or even our right to choose between right and wrong, we, humans have a propensity towards anarchy … we live by our moral code but we are have never been strong enough to abide by it. Served up enough of the low grade crap, what was once met with derision is easily accepted as normalcy.

Look at history … We cringe at the thought of the barbaric Dark Ages, the human scion that is Genghis Khan, Vladimir The Impaler or Attila The Hun  … Yet how is that any different from the beheadings in Sumatra, Iraq or even the hallowed land of the free, America where their "democracy" boasts of some of the highest murder rates in the world?

Compared to the States, even the Dayaks in Sumatra (who did the beheading) have some semblance of civility despite their perceived barbarism …

Simply put, “When I kill m enemy, I know my enemy’s name.” - Dayak disposition

In the age of technologically wizardry, where missiles can reach thousands of miles … we simply kill without knowing whom we have killed.

Why is it still happening? Are we not enlightened to make appropriate decisions? 

In all our celebration of progress, we have failed miserably in our culture … in our moral code.

It saddens me that a scholar, so distinguished by his fellowship in an esteemed university put forth his views on competitive globalization without forethought on the repercussions of such policy changes on society. The fact that more weight was placed on being “numero uno” economically demonstrates the cultural slant; our desire to be the rich with little thought of morality or ethics.

First World country .. what does that mean? Are we in the most civilized bracket of society? The crème de la crème?

We proclaim that we are civil. We seem to be championing cosmopolitan values  Cosmopolitan? Or rather western values … In fact, I’m far more inclined to feel that it’s a money culture that we are promoting … our capitalistic ideals. I’m no communist, marxist, blah blah … I am most assuredly not opposed to the notion of wealth … but we have the proclivity to allow ourselves be dictated by the rules of money.

It makes the world go round as they say.

Unbeknowst (probably), the scholar proposes the lightening of our moral code to endear ourselves to the economies of the rich. We are already rich and should be richer still in future. But rich at waht cost? Are we truly rich? Depends on which side of the fence you’re on.

With the advent of expanded legalized gambling, casinos, events like crazy horse … etc … Singapore is becoming more open … more economically strengthened through our predisposition to liken our attractions to the whims and fancies, if not afflictions of the basic human needs\desires\temptations. Indeed, in this circumstance, we are getting richer.

Yet stripped down to its evolutionary roots .. these efforts at openness are simply … sex and gambling … vices nonetheless.

Some may argue that … NAY, we are simply enlightening ourselves and minds on the ways of the world .. we are gaining in wisdom.

I say bullshit. How is it that the People\Gods\Deities whom we are still worshipping\admiring, have been dead eons ago … Buddha, Jesus, Muhammad, Confucius, Gandhi … or more recently, Mother Theresa. We still worship them for the what they embody … all the richness of life and wisdom. We seek live life as just and holy. We seek enlightenment.

Thusly, I find it ridiculous that some have the gall to proclaim gambling, pornography (or Adult content to the politically correct) is enlightenment? I certainly can’t see Mother Theresa patronizing such places. Enlightenment … my ass.

With money … "Life is rich" … I snigger at such thoughts. In this day and age … rich is an oxymoron when simple pleasantries are seldom practiced in our society.

Whatever happened to the simple “Thank you”? It is a joke that we actually have to run a national courtesy campaign. (Whatever happened to it anyway?)

Civilized, cultured, sophisticated, educated, enlightened … I think not.

Economic champions perhaps … but at what cost … our morality?

The question is not if we are globally competitive (enough), not if we can\are rich (enough), not if we are open (enough) … the question is which sense of the word "rich" would we prefer to ascribe to?

I am certainly no saint nor a scholar, but I’m pretty sure that there are certain things that we can do without.

Just my 2-cents.

(As a disclaimer, I bear no ill to gays. I just have issue with constant jibe for Singapore to be more open. There are more important things to  be open about like the hidden poor, the forgotten aged and the disappearing practice of compassion … perhaps even our own humanity.)

What pray tell will my future bring …

Then, 9 years, 11 months and 6 days. The day I left school armed with a diploma in engineering. Finally school was over. Finally, I was to experience … REAL LIFE. I was free …I was free, free at last … dear Lord, I was free at last (so Martin Luther King – No disrespect though).

It was great to feel and be so empowered. It was me and the world. I was going to be great. All the grandiose trimmings of a superfluous lifestyle and hallowed stature seemed mine for the taking. All I had to do was to work hard.

Not a problem.

Just like in school. You study hard, you get the grades and you get the glory. Damn, it was going to be so easy.

I was salivating in fervent anticipation. Nothing could possibly placate my almost religious fervor for success. I was going to be successful.

Now, 9 years, 11 months and 6 days.

So what are my deemed worthy achievements?

7 Marathons
– Running at full snail speed of about 5-6 hours. Glorious Overkill. After 7 times, I’d learn a thing or two about preparation. Not! I’m the epitome of procrastination. Lazy people worship me … haha.

10-Year Gym Freak
– And still hogging an embarrassingly tub of lard; you’d think that after THAT amount of training I’d be lean mean Adonis-like fighting machine (hah) Ooooh, the  vanity …

Degree in Information Technology (Blah blah)
– A wonderful waste of time since the skills are entirely deprecated by the time I or anybody else graduates … technology is such unforgiving companion. Perhaps one of the most useless degrees ever.

Success proved to be a terribly elusive rascal. Darting into the shadows, fitfully playing, enticing and provoking my patience; colluding with perhaps the Devil himself to brew the tempest of negativity that is to be cause of my ineptitude.

I was (STILL) going to be successful. Just not yet.

PS: Just poking fun at myself. Success is what you deem it to be Rather having to reinvent the wheel, I’ll let my old Harry (Emerson Fosdick) speak his mind.

“To laugh often and love much;”
“To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;”
“To earn the approbation of honest critics;”
“To appreciate beauty;”
“To give oneself;”
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;”
“That is to have succeeded.”

By golly gosh, slap me silly and call me Dumbo the Doofus … Haha … I am rather successful.

I did something different on
Christmas Eve this year.

I didn’t do wacky things like
dressing like Santa prancing around in Obar at Mohd Sultan (which I did last year).

I didn’t partake in the usual
drunken crusade that I had adamantly sealed as my legacy not too long ago.

I didn’t go gallivanting across
town hitting the clubs with the incredible zest that I have been prone to for
perhaps the longest time.

This year was different.

I spent it with my parents.

Nothing grandiose. A simple
home cooked meal albeit with curry crabs. (Yay! But certainly not frivolous) and
an engaging cinematic discourse on Devils and Angels. Aka we watched the movie "Constantine" (Haha! Keanu sucked but the show was good) A rather inappropriate theme to highlight our festivities admittedly,
but my parent enjoyed it.

In between the “Ooohs”, “Aaaahs”
and smattering of “Gasps”, we had a muted but easy conversation … on.

1) Why did he do that?
2) Eeeew … Disgusting.
3) What happened?
4) Walau eh .. I’m eating.
5) Look, look … so horrible, spoil my appetite.

We had a TV dinner as one can
plainly see.

My mum ever the Homer-like, story
teller, would ever so often drum up a synopsis of what was currently
transpiring on the TV. Whereas my dad, being the uberly endowed God of patience,
soaked up her rendition of “

Constantine

”
like it was nectar. I, the 3^rd cog in wheel, actively peppered in
the “Waaahs”, “Shit”, “Eeeee” and other monosyllabic grunts thus elevating our
interaction to that above of  “normal
communication”

To be honest, we didn’t
really hear each other, much less held in-depth debates. (The movie was simply
too good!) But we bonded.

Oftentimes, I’ve been caught
so much in my own world … on matters of work, relationships, fun … etc, that I fail
to see what’s immediately in front of me. What is important.

In all the festivities, fun was the main, if not only factor.

After all, Fun = Happy.

It was …  where I was going to drink, where I was to party, how I was to rock the town, when I should be dressed up … Nay, the only factor was actually the word "I". Selfishly, Me, Myself and I.

And so, this year’s Christmas wasn’t
particularly fun. It sure wasn’t heady with booze, friends and crazy people. No
parties, no shouts of joy, no insane stunts … no freaky stuff to make the day
exciting, interesting and memorable.

It was just me and my parents at home.

And you know what … I was
very happy

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I did not expect this
I did not expect to fall so easily

Shock enmeshed with surprise
That I had fallen in love

How could this be
I still cannot believe

Do my senses deceive?
Yet in tenterhooks, I open

Myself, my heart, my soul
To this blessed joy

All the wonderment
Have finally come to bear

On my once desolate existence
Finally I am truly happy

Yet like a shooting star
Does light swiftly extinguish

Dying embers of cinder
Hard black smoldering coal

Death encroaches and surrounds
My heart resonates no longer

No more, nothing
Only an emptiness

So filled with a void
That could swallow an entire soul

Hurt surrounds me
Totally and all encompassing

The pain seems unbearable
But I will strive and survive

It is a joke really cos
It hurts, it hurts, it hurts

Slip into the shadows
Cover me with the blackness

I do not want to feel anymore
Let cold, heartless ice be Me

Drive out warmth of sunshine
Cos it has no meaning anymore

Life is itself so meaningless
So myself dissolve into nothingness

I did not expect this
I did not expect to fail so easily

PS: Don’t know why I published this … perhaps it just me seeking closure for events past.

Disclaimer
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To be honest, I’ve nothing against gays. I think they are decent people with simply,  orientations deviating from the mainstream. Sort of like indie\alternative bands as opposed to the usual contemporary rock\pop.

Acceptance for the alternative lifestyle has grown (somewhat) exponentially for the last couple of years. Same sex marriages are acknowledged (legally), adoption\surrogating for such couples is a norm and now there is even talk of ordained Catholic gay priests (Whatever happened to celibacy :s) … how the world has truly changed (I’ll reserve the word evolve until I see how everything pans out.) So where is all this leading? Another tirade on the proliferation of the gay movement? Nay, I’ve neither the intention nor desire for further dissolution of the gay community. They have been ostracized enough as it is.

In fact, I actually believe certain nuances of this differing predilection could be well served by being inducted into mainstream dogma … that is, being more sensitive to others. The gay community … is invariably more attuned to the sublime mannerisms of the human nature (from a male\my standpoint). More tolerant of others, more willing to cater to others’ perceptions, more  … well, basically more nice … then again, I may be wrong … it might simply be due to the oppressive situation in which they have been thrusted\“schooled”. Looking back in history from the American Civil War and 1906 (Rosa Parks) Women’s rights … those same communities (African Americans and Women), who are now far more empowered, have stepped away from their somewhat submissive and understanding demeanour … and taken far more aggressive stance. The gay movement may follow the same historical route (probably). But I digress, the community (well, at least those that I know) are generally, much better mannered than the overall populace (IMHO btw).

Before anyone gets me wrong, I do not support it but I do respect it. Everyone leads their own life as they see fit. That is their sole right … and no one … absolutely no one can deem otherwise. That being said, we do not live alone and thus, certain rights must be compromised to ensure that those same rights do not transgress\infringe others’ ownership of their lifestyle. In a nutshell, live as you must but don’t step anybody’s toes while you do it.
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Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, here’s my gripe …

I get mistaken for being gay.

Well, hellooooo world … Really sorry to disappoint you but I’m totally and utterly STRAIGHT (1). I’m not a particularly over-sexed maniacal girl-deprived as most red-blooded guys out there but I am totally, utterly STRAIGHT (2). (Had to repeat that lest anyone missed it :p) I really ought not to get so riled up about this … it is all too  … shall I say narrow-minded\petty\dick-headed … to warrant any thought process on. On most, I’d agree wholeheartedly … heck even writing this down seems weird …

But it’s my blog and I’ll write as I see fit. Certainly better than dumping money on drinking, partying, coming back drunk and waking to a hangover with a $100 dollars missing from the day after stupor … which I used to do … a lot (Presently 2 months sober  … yay for me).

Anyway back to the subject of me being a subject of gay-orama … there is no subject … cos I am STRAIGHT (3). (I am repeating for those who missed the other 2 proclamations) I cannot, for the life of me, understand why every Tom, Dick or Harry keeps coming up to me and asking me about my sexual orientation.

Sure, I’m a gym freak (it’s a hobby), I enjoy dance (duh, it’s a hobby too), I’m an advocate of political niceties (what’s wrong in practicing "Thank you"), I’m a bit of a fashionista (vainity, metrosexual, personal grooming … most certainly not a crime) and I’m a blatant extrovert (No, I’m not a insurance agent\financial planner … most assuredly, a respectable vocation nonetheless) … so I don’t particularly conform to society’s accepted mindset of an alpha male but how does this miscontrue me as (seemingly) "unmainstream"?

My relatives suspect I’m gay (and they did ask me about it)

My colleagues (some\most of them) think I’m gay

Of particular note, a large population (that being, acquaintances) simply assume I’m gay.

About the only people who don’t think I’m gay are my close friends.

And that is all that should matter (in theory); I definitely shouldn’t be perturbed the slightest bit (in theory again)

But …

Gays think I’m gay too … (As I’ve said, I have nothing against them and in fact, one of my best friends is gay) Heck, some don’t even think … they simply assume I’m one.

I’m certainly no Brad Pitt (picture short and ugly), neither in looks (I think my parents are great - the genetics simply skipped a generation or rather skipped me cos my bro is pretty decent-looking) nor height (lest I wear platform shoes - really damn friggin tall ones :s) … but I do get (male) approaches now and then, which is tolerable (and somewhat flattering, I’ll admit)

But …

With the greater acceptance of gayness as a societal norm … the approaches have become bolder in nature … too bold.

Therein lies my dilemma :s

Gay, Homo, Queer, Crooked … it’s an alternative way of living … I understand that and respect it. I’m quite happy to be a friend but just leave me out of that “inner” circle.

So …

Stop giving me those alluring stares

Stop initiating unwarranted propositions

Stop presenting unasked\surprise gifts

Stop asking probing sensitive questions

Stop sashaying and flirting

Stop those accidental "touches"

Stop having seemingly innocent motives

(cos it’s getting kinda freaky)

And let’s just be friends

…

Excuse me, are you gay?

I’m most certainly not.