Meandering whims of a curious mind

Disclaimer
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To be honest, I’ve nothing against gays. I think they are decent people with simply,  orientations deviating from the mainstream. Sort of like indie\alternative bands as opposed to the usual contemporary rock\pop.

Acceptance for the alternative lifestyle has grown (somewhat) exponentially for the last couple of years. Same sex marriages are acknowledged (legally), adoption\surrogating for such couples is a norm and now there is even talk of ordained Catholic gay priests (Whatever happened to celibacy :s) … how the world has truly changed (I’ll reserve the word evolve until I see how everything pans out.) So where is all this leading? Another tirade on the proliferation of the gay movement? Nay, I’ve neither the intention nor desire for further dissolution of the gay community. They have been ostracized enough as it is.

In fact, I actually believe certain nuances of this differing predilection could be well served by being inducted into mainstream dogma … that is, being more sensitive to others. The gay community … is invariably more attuned to the sublime mannerisms of the human nature (from a male\my standpoint). More tolerant of others, more willing to cater to others’ perceptions, more  … well, basically more nice … then again, I may be wrong … it might simply be due to the oppressive situation in which they have been thrusted\“schooled”. Looking back in history from the American Civil War and 1906 (Rosa Parks) Women’s rights … those same communities (African Americans and Women), who are now far more empowered, have stepped away from their somewhat submissive and understanding demeanour … and taken far more aggressive stance. The gay movement may follow the same historical route (probably). But I digress, the community (well, at least those that I know) are generally, much better mannered than the overall populace (IMHO btw).

Before anyone gets me wrong, I do not support it but I do respect it. Everyone leads their own life as they see fit. That is their sole right … and no one … absolutely no one can deem otherwise. That being said, we do not live alone and thus, certain rights must be compromised to ensure that those same rights do not transgress\infringe others’ ownership of their lifestyle. In a nutshell, live as you must but don’t step anybody’s toes while you do it.
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Now that the disclaimers are out of the way, here’s my gripe …

I get mistaken for being gay.

Well, hellooooo world … Really sorry to disappoint you but I’m totally and utterly STRAIGHT (1). I’m not a particularly over-sexed maniacal girl-deprived as most red-blooded guys out there but I am totally, utterly STRAIGHT (2). (Had to repeat that lest anyone missed it :p) I really ought not to get so riled up about this … it is all too  … shall I say narrow-minded\petty\dick-headed … to warrant any thought process on. On most, I’d agree wholeheartedly … heck even writing this down seems weird …

But it’s my blog and I’ll write as I see fit. Certainly better than dumping money on drinking, partying, coming back drunk and waking to a hangover with a $100 dollars missing from the day after stupor … which I used to do … a lot (Presently 2 months sober  … yay for me).

Anyway back to the subject of me being a subject of gay-orama … there is no subject … cos I am STRAIGHT (3). (I am repeating for those who missed the other 2 proclamations) I cannot, for the life of me, understand why every Tom, Dick or Harry keeps coming up to me and asking me about my sexual orientation.

Sure, I’m a gym freak (it’s a hobby), I enjoy dance (duh, it’s a hobby too), I’m an advocate of political niceties (what’s wrong in practicing "Thank you"), I’m a bit of a fashionista (vainity, metrosexual, personal grooming … most certainly not a crime) and I’m a blatant extrovert (No, I’m not a insurance agent\financial planner … most assuredly, a respectable vocation nonetheless) … so I don’t particularly conform to society’s accepted mindset of an alpha male but how does this miscontrue me as (seemingly) "unmainstream"?

My relatives suspect I’m gay (and they did ask me about it)

My colleagues (some\most of them) think I’m gay

Of particular note, a large population (that being, acquaintances) simply assume I’m gay.

About the only people who don’t think I’m gay are my close friends.

And that is all that should matter (in theory); I definitely shouldn’t be perturbed the slightest bit (in theory again)

But …

Gays think I’m gay too … (As I’ve said, I have nothing against them and in fact, one of my best friends is gay) Heck, some don’t even think … they simply assume I’m one.

I’m certainly no Brad Pitt (picture short and ugly), neither in looks (I think my parents are great - the genetics simply skipped a generation or rather skipped me cos my bro is pretty decent-looking) nor height (lest I wear platform shoes - really damn friggin tall ones :s) … but I do get (male) approaches now and then, which is tolerable (and somewhat flattering, I’ll admit)

But …

With the greater acceptance of gayness as a societal norm … the approaches have become bolder in nature … too bold.

Therein lies my dilemma :s

Gay, Homo, Queer, Crooked … it’s an alternative way of living … I understand that and respect it. I’m quite happy to be a friend but just leave me out of that “inner” circle.

So …

Stop giving me those alluring stares

Stop initiating unwarranted propositions

Stop presenting unasked\surprise gifts

Stop asking probing sensitive questions

Stop sashaying and flirting

Stop those accidental "touches"

Stop having seemingly innocent motives

(cos it’s getting kinda freaky)

And let’s just be friends

…

Excuse me, are you gay?

I’m most certainly not.

Failure Sucks!

We all fail. That’s a universal truth.

And with failure comes …

The natural consequence of that unceremonious fall from grace …

Into the damn pit of an emotional hellhole, otherwise known as reflection.

Reflection aka Denial\Self-Pity\Waste of Time (If its done too much)
Oftentimes I wonder what would have happened if I had made certain choices … handled life-changing decisions with a little more wisdom and patience. Would I be successful in my career, in stature, in love … in life? Perhaps if I had been more diligent in my pursuit of my long-term goals rather than splurging on short-term gratification, I’d be sailing a far more smoother (and desirable) route. Where I’d be meditating on my next worldly travel endeavor; flanked by my mum, dad and even perhaps a family of my own.

Rather than contemplating the rocky paths which I now traverse.

I guess we all do. It is foolish admittedly to escape to far recesses of the human mind and drum such perfect worlds of "what could have been". To daydream of such grandiose if not whimsical illusions of life that should have, could have and would have. I’m always prone to such wasteful habits … and with each retrospection, I always come crashing back to the hard concrete of reality whence its time to deal with current problems at hand.

Nuff’ said … it’s DUMB. Life starts now … not in the past … not later. It’s so easy to forget that.
(Perhaps I ought to get a tattoo for that. Stick it on my head or something)

The decisions we make affects the paths we take and destinations we reach.

So simple yet so friggin hard …

I guess the human mind, while blessed with intelligence is similarly cursed with a gracious amount of idiocy.

What pray tell, would my future bring? A crystal ball, an almanac, a magic mirror or whatever other gobbledy-gook of mysticism that could foretell my existence and purpose in this adventure we call life … an terribly exciting tool, I’m sure (if it exists) … though I’m certain it would only lead to a far more worse conclusion (or demise) I’m sure. I can’t even begin to fathom consequences of knowing the future … Heck, I’ll probably just get so bored after awhile that I’d soonest be driven insane with worry\greed or whatnot human frailties..

All in all, despite the daily grouses that plague me (and everyone else in the world), facing up to the cards that life has dealt would be the only avenue. To cower and hide, feign ignorance or even lash back with ferocity, chanting death cries to life’s unyielding nature … would only be pure folly. And yes, even daydreaming (which I am doing at the moment… hah).

It gets me nowhere but it is what makes me what I am … human, with all its fallibilities.

I should slap myself silly for entertaining such derelict thoughts. Hmmpf, I guess I’m just being grumpy …

Which reminds me …

Making the best of we have
I was watching this documentary yesterday … profiling the life and times of 25 (I think) children as they grew up … their changing attitudes, learning ability, role of parenting … as these children grew up to adults. I found it especially intriguing with its proposal to actually chronicle such a large expanse of time … naturally the cute factor (i.e. little kids) played a huge role in its watch-ability (if there is such a word) as well.

In this episode, what struck me was a single parent … with deformed hands and feet … actually they seemed more like stumps rather than any form of appendages whatsoever. She can’t even hold her child.  (No ankles, knees, elbows nor wrists) Quite sad really. But here’s the awe-inspiring part … she does so well in parenting her little one. Her little one was\is only 2 years of age … already walking and able to throw huge tantrums (as per normal :p) … and yet she still manages to discipline her child to be proper and well-mannered.

And since she has little use in terms of hands and feet, she simply uses encouraging\positive words as her means of educating her child. There is not so much of control but rather allowing the child to understand his actions and then choosing the right path.

At the age of 2 the little one can cross the road without holding an adults hand! Amazing indeed, but not as amazing as the wonderful job that his mother had done … that is empowering him to make responsible and right decisions at such a tender age.

So the point being?
Making the best of what we have … always. So come rain or shine, its always ALWAYS good to reiterate that life is only as good as one makes it out to be.

If I feel its shit, then I’ll simply get more of that foul stuff (inclusive of vomit). If life is great, then it’ll always be great. Seems very much like denial but its not even close … rather face up to reality, accept ones fate and move on …

Nay! Not only move one but even more so to …

Adapt and evolve
(Ironically a quote from the movie “Collateral” which is about contract killing … heh, even in tragedy there’s something to learn :p)

PS: Of particular note to a friend of mine (You know who you are) … stop that all that thinking shit, get back into reality and live your friggin life … the past is gone, the future is later and the present is now … so go freakin live it!

Monday is back again … and I sooo want to take leave. Why did they invent Mondays anyway? Its so aggravating … and its only 930am at the moment. I really ought to embrace the new working day with a lot more gusto but … short of being delusional from  … say lack of sleep or an overdose of "recreational" pills … its never going to happen. Hmmm, some vodka would be fine too.

My passion for the job is gone, dissipated like the morning mist under the beating afternoon sun. I’m not too sure when it adieu’-ed … I just simply lost it along the way whilst working like maniacal beast my first few years. Years passed and what was once challenging  mind games (work-wise) became dreary, mind-numbing mechanical routines.

Finding My Passion
The books all say … to find your passion and everyday becomes a joy, everyday becomes a new stupendous adventure of self-fulfilment and discovery … Ahh (*smiles) what a wonderful … DREAM. What they fail to say is … or at least obscure in some cryptic text … that REALITY tends to knock this premise off the kilter and into the hot cauldron of swill and muck … otherwise known as responsiibilities.

I could think of a multitude of reasons not pursue one’s passion … finances being the biggest one on the list … I for one, enjoy dancing, training, and …believe it or not … waitering (I really do enjoy it when I see the smile on the customer’s face of a job well done.) So do I become a physical trainer, dancer or even plunge into the F&B industry sashaying as an over-the-top happy as f%*k, waiter? No disrespect on those professions of which are all honourable but … it doesn’t put food on the table … at least not with my responsibilities.

Perhaps if I were in my mid-20s, it’d be fine and dandy to partake in this roller coaster of passion hunting. But I’m not. I’m 30 going 31 in less than 6 months. Singapore has this (should I say) "blatantly stupid" mindset that the older the workers, the less "valuable\effective" they would be. Can’t hire them cos they are

a) too expensive
b) too cheap
c) too over-qualified
d) too … (insert here for other dumb reasons)

So quite thusly, (though I’m not exacty knocking on heaven’s door … pardon the cliche) I am nonetheless unattractive to the current crop of employers always looking for bargains and what not. So leaving my job for another industry is … a step taken with much trepidation … bordering on insanity (an exaggeratingly maybe)

Sonly Duties
My parents are not getting any younger, plans must be afoot to ensure their well-being … not only daily necessities , medical expenditures and some recreational pursuits. But most of all, (as with everyone else I’d believe) I wan them to enjoy their twilight years … to be happy as much as they have ever been … its time that I pay back for all that I have taken … a debt which I will never ever be able to repay .. but one which I will be only too happy to fulfil.

Hmm, perhaps that is where my passion lies? To make my parents happy? To do well, to strive and ensure a lasting smile on my old, tired parents who have given their all and more.

I don’t know as yet where my next job will take me … a dancer, a trainer, a waiter or back to computing again … but I know what my life job is … to make my parents happy … that is the most wonderful job I have.

As what one of my dearest friends, Leslie (who works 14-16 hours a day to support his family) loves to say … Never give up, never surrender. So Monday … take your best shot cos I have chased my blues away.

   I was going through my PC the other day and lo, and behold what did I find? My old resignation letter from 6 years ago … haha … I’ve must been pretty whacked to have written this way back then. Totally burnt all my bridges with management I’m sure.

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THE LETTER
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   I will fondly remember "The Company" for the people that made it up: the endearing helpdesk, the kind an exemplary managers ( esp. Mr XXX and Mr YYY ), the incredibly helpful AE’s (note: AAA, BBB, CCC & DDD) and last but not the very least, the wacky yet ingenious Computer technicians. I am really grateful to Mr XXX and Mr YYY in their relentless efforts to keep these synergistic if not symbiotic relationships alive through close informal contacts with employees, constant encouragement, welfare planning and most of all, a genuine interest in the betterment of their staff. Speaking for myself, I have completely enjoyed my association with these stellar people and sincerely, hope that someday, somehow our paths will cross again and merge to continue this fruitful alliance of mutual respect and camaraderie.

   Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I conjure this letter. I wish that there could be some other avenues which I could explore, however I must face stark reality that I must direct my own future and not rely on others to create them. Perhaps, one of my greatest sympathies would be to Mr YYY, for all his tireless work to right all that was wrong and I wish all the best in his endeavors. For me, the rot had entrench itself a long time ago, and as I believe, for all the others as well. I am not one to complain, gripe, bemoan or fuss, but the true status of events needs to be addressed to stem the outflow of talent. To continue would be to lose. Such issues cannot be denied of their existence and while much have been discussed, little headway has been made. Again, I cannot stress enough, the contributions of Mr YYY in his damage control efforts, sadly though, much more needs to be done. The rot is very deep.  Many are at the edge already, just waiting for a ship to pass for them to jump on. The general consensus is that "The Company" is a sinking ship… and to stay would only amount to hari kiri, career death. Unless the following issues are clarified, more will leave.

1) Unclear career path progression

2) Pay does not reflect market rate, lack of pay reviews does not help

3) Menial task exploitation with little emphasis on high end technology

4) No definitive plans for ANY employee development

5) Little confidence in the organization to make or even allow for concrete adjustments for change

On my part, I would like to highlight that era of mass production is over and the era of mass customization is here and will be here for quite awhile. Products do not only encompasses its physical and/or immediate attributes but also the support that comes with it. Especially, in the IT arena, where information is evolving at an immense pace, one of the few avenues for differention is in product support. We are the frontline people who have the most contact with the immediate customer, that vital human interaction that goes further any phone call, e-mail, letter can ever achieve in making a lasting impression on a customer. With IT blazing a trail of fire and customers having to play catch-up(due to lack of expertise), reliance on product services are heavier than ever. We are the ones who promote the intimate long-standing relationships with customers and thus, encourage new and repeat purchases. As I have stated, customers desire services(for products) more then ever … but that can only happen if employees can expect the same from the organization itself. Service ideology must proliferate internally in order for it to emerge externally. Rather than being viewed merely as a product, technical support should be viewed as an extension of the sales and marketing genre, with a very strong influence on the bottom line. Merely purchasing technical support staff will not ensure continuity and consistency to this customer relation doctrine. Only by spending time and energy developing employees and then promoting from within, will these highly prized values be passed to those equally devoted to maintaining the ideals and integrity fundamental to the company’s success.

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Haha, No more job for me in "The Company" … ever … not that I look forward to it anyway. Got to remind myself to keep my flagrant thoughts to myself sometimes … Very releasing, dumbass nonetheless O.o