Archive for September, 2005

So my friend asked me, “When are you getting married?”

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Foreword

A rather controversial blog entry, I’m sure … peppered with a gracious amount of naivete (I admit that I’m somewhat of a novice in relationships) … to some, it might be a shallow observation on matters of the heart … to others, a conservative and maybe idealistic point of view … Everyone faces up to life differently with none being right or wrong. For me, this is much is certain, I have a long way to go with many more mountains to climb and valleys to cross … I’ve yet to see the world, much less experience it in its entirety … both resplendent splendour and raucous terror. And in this instance …well … it just me and how I see things and how I’d like to lead my life. So here it goes …

A few weeks ago, I was off clubbing in a bar (Obar in Mohd Sultan, as usual) … attending to the festivities which was my friend’s birthday. As with all birthdays that is held in a alcohol induced venue … everyone was in good spirits (pun intended). Drunken stupor and nonsensical if not delusional behaviour ruled the night … and it was all in good (well, most of it anyway) fun.

And then it hit me … A good friend with a respectably better head on his shoulders came slinging at me … What the??

Nope, he didn’t hit me physically but it felt like a ton of bricks. (Ok Ok, I’m exaggerating again.) He said,” When are you getting married?” Ah, there lies my mortality … age creeping up and the onus to procreate starts to loom ever so more like a foreboding doom. Naturally, I tried to explain my situation but quite naturally it fell on deaf ears … then in the midst of our tirade of the wonders of marriage came the second barrage of matrimonial artillery gunfire. His wife (who is also all so sweet and nice) came up and said ,”Yeah, when are you getting married? I want you to get you married in a year”

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I do believe in marriage and all the wonderful bliss that comes with it. At the same time, I’m not so enchanted that I ignore the bowel turning “issues” that come with it.

I would love nothing better than getting married. To find your one true love that makes you whole, that makes you so besotted with joy and wonderment that it makes the stars shy away at their own ineptitude. Heck, I’m a fervent fan of romance shows and tear jerker dramas. It always gives me a warm glow within …In fact, a broad smile etches across my countenance (aka I smile like cheerful monkey with a juicy banana - no puns for those sickos out there) whenever a friend gets married … it is always a happy moment … (except where the $80 - ouchie - comes in … yeah, I’m a slouch in matters of giving … I’m great with Christmas and Birthdays though)

So why am I not married? I guess there are no easy answers.

Here’s my take on all this marriage business.

People nowadays take a very trivial view on the sanctity of marriage. They give up too easily  They fail to understand the term … for better or for worst. It is all really quite sad.

There was this hoopla in the press for a few weeks, measuring the merits of marriage and the proposed alternatives. Things like men’s natural disposition to polygamy (wtf?), women’s traditional role of submission and servitude in a relationship (Lame - If we lived in the Dark Ages), the concept of cohabitation contracts and others that seem startling close to destroying the very notion of marriage in the first place.

It’s simple really (IMHO)
Two people get married for the only reason that one completes one another. They get together knowing full well that marriage is a sacred bond, a promise to care and to love … till death do us part. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? So simple yet so seemingly lost on the general populace.

Let’s look at it statistically, 40% of marriages in Singapore end up in divorce (we only lag behind the US in the category - for once, I’m glad we aren’t numero uno) … and that’s official government figures. Scary. Sigh … if divorces were so simple … Then, why in the world get married in the first place?

We human beings are blessed with intelligence, and with that intelligence the knowledge to understand the consequences of our actions. We pride ourselves on the civility of our culture. Yet for all our intelligence and civil decorum, we fail to understand and accept the sanctity of marriage itself? Where is the concept responsibility\accountability for one’s actions, actions which we perfectly understand and accept whence one goes into a marriage contract? Like all business relationships, if the contract does not bode well for you .. then don’t get married. Leave marriage for those who can honour it.

I would be naive to say that all divorces are wrong but at 40% … It is disturbing. Indeed there are cases, whereby divorce has its merits. There is no denying that. Adultery, physical abuse, psychological trauma, faded passion … in one way or another, the love is lost; there is no more feeling. Perhaps then, divorce beckons … perhaps then divorce is an amicable end? A light at the end of an arduous journey of incompatibility? Perhaps …

So why am I not married?
Fear … Fear that my happiness lies in another’s hands … Fear that it might be scaled to dizzying heights, only to to be brought down with a simple change of heart. Or simply the fear that marriage is no longer what it used to be … no more to be taken as a sacred promise to embrace, to enfold, to complete … another.

Such irrational fears … why waste energy on processes that are beyond my control … hmmm … Shamefully, I admit I have no real reasons. Perhaps a time will come when I will look back at this entry and laugh at its own simple-mindedness, at its confusion.

In the meantime, lets cast divorce into the shadows …

And give marriage the respect it deserves; there was love at one time and there will\might be again … if both parties genuinely work a little bit harder … even if it does seem like a lost cause.

Cos …

Miracles do happen.

Inadvertantly, be it marriage or divorce … come what may.

(A little principle I hope to live by)

To love someone is to give them the freedom of choice
To choose however they wished to live their lives
With whomever they wish to be with.

That to me, is to be blessed with unconditional love …

And that …

Is ultimately all that matters …

Be it Marriage or Divorce … come what may.

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Clubbing: Slowing Down and Thinking Straight

Thursday, September 15th, 2005

Dear Diary,

Well, I’ve finally come to the end of the "clubbing" road. No more weekly jaunts to my fav hang-out Obar … Yeah, yeah … I’m sure I’ll hear tons of snickering and an equal amount of jibes for my weak umpteenth attempt to let go of my nocturnal habits.

This time though, I’m certain. I will miss the people I’ve made friends in Obar as well as the endless memories garnered through my drunken stupor. But its time to move on to make something of my life. (As if leaving Obar will a difference, I’m sure some would say) Nonetheless, this few months has been a renaissance for me … re-priotizing my goals and cherishing what should have been important a long time ago.

Spending more time with family, catching up with long lost (and true) friends, making the effort to finish everything that I start (no matter how long it takes) and never stop learning. It’s time (long overdue anyway) that clubbing makes way for more enriching and healthy ventures … and a far fuller life.

I’d guess Obar\Clubbing through all its experience served to be the epitome of all that I didn’t want to be … to say a lot of things but doing nothing … this of course, does not speak ill of those who still and will probably forever frequent there (hehe) .. but rather a reflection of my own attitude in life … if I felt sad, I’d go Obar, if I felt happy, I’d go Obar, if I had nothing to do, I’d go Obar …Aye … Obar has and will always be an epicentre in this period of wackiness and wildly intoxicating part of my history.

But its time to slow down … to make plans … to strive (I know I’m a bit late) … its time to cast away the veil of mediocrity and exceed my potential … to fly. So when I’m sad, I’ll figure my lesson and be stronger from it, rather than drown myself in alcoholic nirvana (haha)… when I’m happy, I’ll call friends and family to share in my joy and in return build stronger and lasting relationships with those I hold dear and when I have nothing to do, I will improve myself to be the best that I can ever be. I believe I have relaxed enough, partied enough, bummed around enough to last me a long while …

I’m leaving my clubbing days and welcoming a new era of self discovery .. one that is more settling and hopefully with far more permanence in substantiating my own existence .. that is to leave a fond (and honourable) legacy to my future decendants (if that ever happens … so who wants an old 30-year old fuddy duddy).

Hello World, I’m back! Onward and beyond! (Hmm, I think that’s Star Trek)

Harry Emerson Fosdick:

"To laugh often and love much;
To win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children;
To earn the approbation of honest critics;
To appreciate beauty; to give one’s self;
To know that even  one life has breathed easier because you  have lived that is to have succeeded"

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A Tale About Katrina and Compassion (the lack of it)

Monday, September 5th, 2005
Here is a story I picked up about one the survivors from Hurricane Katrina disaster.  A truly sad tale … a tale that is made more sad by the response I got after relating it to others. ______________________________________________________________
Daniel Weber, a 53-year-old New Orleans evacuee was relaying his heart-wrenching tale. And Manning, the Indianapolis Colts quarterback drank in every syllable of the horror.
"I thought it was an explosion, but it was the water blowing the doors off the hinges," said Weber, who lived almost directly behind the Industrial Canal levee breach that inundated his neighborhood Monday morning as Hurricane Katrina battered the city. Weber’s wife of 23 years, Rosetta Marrero, 44, wheelchair-bound because of several strokes, was in the couple’s bedroom, and Weber said he struggled to get to her for a move into the home’s attic.
When that failed, he said, he broke out a window so that he could attempt to push his wife through the water onto the roof. "I was pushing her up," Weber told Manning, "and it got real quiet. I said, ’What’s wrong, baby?’ She said, ’I’m saying my prayers.’ I got real scared. "That’s when I grabbed her by her shirt. But the water took her away. I jumped in after her but couldn’t find her. I know she’s probably dead.
I wanted to die right then. I wanted to see God, stand there and tell him, ’Look what you did to me?’ If I could die tomorrow, I’d get right in his face and ask him ’What did you do?’ "She wanted to go to the Superdome. I thought I’d be the one to go first. I thought I’d never be without her. I never thought about life without her. I was supposed to take care of her. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I really am. I’m sorry."Manning placed his hand on Weber’s shoulder.
Weber had survived 14 hours floating in the water, clinging to debris, before a rescue boat ferried him to dry ground. He was transported to the Red Cross shelter, where he met up with about 10 other family members.
"We’re praying for you," Manning told him. "Hang in there."
"Thank you," Weber told Manning, adding, "How’s your Dad doing?"
"There’s nothing I can say," Manning said. "He said he laid in the water for 14 hours and said he was ready to give up. I’m glad he didn’t give up. He obviously needs to talk. He says all that, and then he sits down and says, ’How’s your Dad doing?’ I didn’t know what to say to that."
______________________________________________________________
A personal note:
You know what the sad thing about all this is? Well, I related this to a friend of mine … he’s reaction was truly disheartening. He said,"Wah, you care so much about other country more than Singapore" … True, the words are few and may seem so insignificant … at most inappropriate … but delving deeper … sigh
Here is a man who lost his love of his life, found strength to survive 14 hours in water and still manage to think about others and ask "How’s your Dad doing?"
And all you can say is "Wah, you care so much about other country more than Singapore"
This isn’t about countries, its about people …. we all share a common bond in that we are human … if we do not care for others than what does that make us … I can’t believe that he bears no compassion for others; that it does not move him.
And this is a friend whom I have learnt much about other religions and from whom I’ve learnt to appreciate the simplicity and compassion that those teachings impart, in showing one how to walk the good path. Yet, I’m hearing such words from him … sigh … I guess being human is the only reason … we are all fallible. For someone, whom I had thought was so staunch in their beliefs and ideals … it makes me wonder.
And yet, I’m not surprised. It is always the same … someone extolls his\her ideals… shout out loud about what is right and what is wrong … steadfastly proclaim that he\she will never do this or that … that honour is his\her word….
What a freaking joke.
Talk is cheap as the cliche says. Life in Singapore is so comfortable to the point that I am embarrassed. The only thing people know how to do is complain and yet, when it is time to do something about it, we come up with excuses and slide away into the shadows of bewildered ignorance.
Where is the compassion? Heck .. where is your humanity?
Nobody is asking anyone to save the world. Understandably, it is a choice that we all make and we alone chart our own destiny. So don’t save anyone or do anything if you don’t want to … but then again, don’t profess to being human and all the goodness that comes with it … cos you have not earned it.

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