Meandering whims of a curious mind

It was 4am.

Fast asleep after another round of drinks. Out of the blue, I was awoken by a sharp pain coursing through the back, radiating outwards towards my chest. It was disconcerting to say the least. I had thought it was another of those muscle spasms which I used to have when I was overworked … over stressed. It would subside. I just had to slow down my breathing and focus … just focus.

It didn’t work.

I stayed up the whole night, the pain getting worse by the hour. I wanted to rush out, to call the doctors, an ambulance or anything to rip this wretched agony away from me.

Nay …

I had to stay silent. I can’t let my slumbering parents know. It’d break their hearts which are as fragile as their ages belie. I could do nothing but pray.

Ensconced, cloistered in the darkness of my room, I prayed and wondered. It is remarkable how one always turns to God and reflection when in seeming need of desperate absolution. Sigh …

Prayed. Wondered. Waited.

Dawn came. I calmly bathed and clothed myself, greeted my parents, and ate my morning oats. However, it was different this time.

I moved a little bit faster, ate a little quicker and left earlier than I normally would. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get to the hospital.

…

Good news … all the tests came back negative … just an ECG and a blood test.

Great right?  Hardly.

Why don’t I feel any better then? I went for a second opinion and another. I even asked my friends in the medical profession. All with the same answer … negative.

My heart was healthy, my blood pressure was perfect and my lungs were in the pink.

As for the pain?

Probably some muscle pull or nerve twitch or some other medical malaise that hasn’t been termed yet. Minor … inconsequential.

Then why do I feel like my heart is bursting …

Gripped like a vice and interlaced with gratuitous moments of incessant stabbing … a piercing lance delightfully engorging through the back, its tendrils of pain like fingers, flicking fitfully around the heart.  Each time it happens, I hoped it’d be the last. But it was relentless; as if I was being toyed by the whim of some unseen maniacal imp.

I wondered how I got to this juncture. Was it work? Was it the drinks? Lack of exercise? Poor diet? Stress? Genetics? Or just plain bad luck?

I realized that I had no answer. It could be one of them or it could be all of them. Did it matter? More importantly, where do I go from here?

…

Truth be told, I have been working long hours … 10, 12 and even 16 hours. I am fine with it. After all, I was learning, stressed it may be, but I am comforted myself with the thought that I was progressing for once … learning, expanding … re-inventing myself. I was finally free to grow regardless of the effort that I needed to expend.

Everyday I was fully spent … drained and seeking for some comfort. To talk and share with anyone … to just have a simple conversation of our daily trials and tribulations. But I hardly give my trust. You see, as much I’m full of nonsense, I’m also a horrible sceptic. Thus, loneliness is something I’ve learnt to deal with; being an independent spirit for much of my life. But I guess the stress and an overindulgence with work compounded my disenchantment … so I unwittingly turned to the next best thing … I turned to the almighty … Drink; seeking solace and tranquillity in its watery and heady depths. It was a wonderful compromise, a blessed union of souls.

Am I making an excuse? I don’t know … honestly, I don’t really care. All I know is that it worked fine … at least for the last five months.

And then the pain came.

…

It has been 6 days already.

I breathe better now. Blessed sleep comes easier.

I am thankful yet by the same token … fearful … that this is only the beginning.

…

But so what?

Come what may, life is too short to be tied up with the infinite “issues” that we supposedly have …

We can either choose to be stand still and wallow … or we can learn, adapt and pursue our dreams with an even greater thirst.

…

We have but one life

And

I’m going to live it … with a little more wisdom.

The Last Petal
© By Carolann S. Wallace

Perfect as a rose petal
Watch as it endures
The blooms fight for their life
As they are surrounded by knives
For what they know best
Is the blossom of their hearts
They live in the moment they open
Hopes to achieve, reside in their minds

Petals come and petals go
Stop to watch as they appear
Appreciate the colors and smells
Learn from them while they are here
For they will disappear
No more chances do they get
They cannot be forgiven
For they must open and if they don’t
It is the end

Some will arise to the occasion
They are beautiful in every way
Every chance they get
To send sweet aroma in the air
To fill the days with colors so fair
But the life is short
Because they opened, they must fall
The fall to death
Conscious of the life they lived
Are they successful or
Do they suffer in agony
as the last petal falls

___

Someone sent me this poem today. At first, I had trouble understanding it. Emotively, it felt downcast and confusing … my simple mind refused to comprehend. On any other day, I would have evilly feigned comprehension, to maintain, if not augment, the aura of superior intellectual understanding. But I couldn’t … I just felt choked, cloistered in a tiny box. I wanted to know what it meant but I couldn’t place a finger on it.

In my one-dimensional pessimism, I had inferred that life was very final. That regardless of anything we do, we would still die. Nothing could change that, nothing else was more certain than death itself. It felt so depressingly resolute in its statement.

Which beckoned the next accompanying wretched question,

”What’s the point of living?” 

___

Perplexing indeed it was until another email popped … and my friend so succinctly clarified …

“ Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap,
but by the seeds you plant…

And if you’re going through hell, keep going and never give up.

Energy and persistence conquer all things! ”

___

Blind. I was so blind.

I missed the forest for the trees.

She opened my eyes.

“Perfection is never easy as we are always surrounded by negativity, by people who’d like to pull us down. Perfection needs to be lived now and not later … if we do not strive to open our eyes and ears to the wonderful world around us, we achieve but one thing … death … for we are not living. Concentrate on fulfilling your destiny … share with the world all that is great about you. Ultimately, we will all leave this world … but the choice is ours; do we do leave as the perfect petal or a wasted, shriveled shell?”

Life can seem so utterly difficult at times … yet a lot of times, its a matter of perception. Why waste time looking at a glass half empty? Sometimes, we concern ourselves so much on the bad that we lose sight of things that matter. Who amongst us lives a day longer longer by worrying a day more? So live the day productively, working towards that greater goal, not the simply the mere 5Cs … cars, condos, cash, etc  … but rather … the pursuit of happiness.

___

What do you see?

(Little boy) Henry Jackson: Hi, Peter!
Peter Parker: Hey, Henry! You’ve grown tall.

May Parker: You’ll never guess who he
wants to be… Spider-Man!
Peter
Parker: Why?
May Parker: He
knows a hero when he sees one. Too few characters out there, flying around like
that, saving old girls like me. And Lord knows, kids like Henry need a hero.
Courageous, self-sacrificing people. Setting examples for all of us. Everybody
loves a hero. People line up for them, cheer them, scream their names. And years
later, they’ll tell how they stood in the rain for hours just to get a glimpse
of the one who taught them how to hold on a second longer. I believe there’s a
hero in all of us, that keeps us honest, gives us strength, makes us noble, and
finally allows us to die with pride, even though sometimes we have to be steady,
and give up the thing we want the most … even our dreams.

(Every Tom, Dick and Harry can’t seem stop talking about it so I decided to join the party)

Of late, a significant portion of friends have been blogging
about love. Discussing primarily the definition of love itself; its different
shades, its emotive depictions, its symbolism and last but not least, its true meaning.

I am tempted to wade through the infinite permutations of
love, however, I’d be simply uncovering what has already been uncovered. And
so, I’ll just as simply focus on what love means to me.

I was leafing through annals of my life (Yes, I do write
stuff and store them on my computer) and was reminiscing my past. Filled with a
lot of heartache but yet, with a generous dose of calming insight and priceless
joy, these are moments that I would never trade away.

Oftentimes, love is discussed in its two forms; the dizzying
heights of loving and being loved, and the despairing depths of breaking
hearts.

I’ll talk about the un-fun part of L.O.V.E. Why?  Cos I said so.

The Malaise of Love

A significant portion of what has been debated in the
blogosphere has been seemingly ensconced in the despair of being in unruly
waters. Love always seems so much more divisive than what its meant to be. A
union of souls … perhaps a conjecture of fairy tales told upon time after time
to little kids. Truth be the told, the love between adults always comes filled
with trepidation and anxiety. It seems everyone has some awful tale to tell to
the point that many in this day and age strongly question the validity of
marriage.

And yet , I wonder … could this be a fallacy perpetrated by
the human propensity for sympathy … whenever we are beset with troubling
issues, we immediately gravitate to our trusted advisors or even the complete
stranger to pine our woes.

However, when we are happily in love, we never tell anyone …
even so much as to hide our joy so that we are not constantly teased about it… I
daresay it is in our culture to hide our joys but spread our sadness.

I find it all very strange but sadly, startlingly true.

Maybe that is why so many have lost faith in love and in
marriage.

We simply enjoy a good sob story …

Repeat After Me … I ‘m
Going to Sermonize

Love with all yourself. Let go and take flight; and if fate
decides to clip your wings then so be it. The higher one flies, the greater the
ecstasy, the more meaningful the life … and the higher the chances of a broken
wing … a broken body … a broken soul.

But so what of it … stand up, straighten those ruffled
feathers and take flight once more.

With every fall, we stand up, we grow stronger and we learn
a little bit more about ourselves and that in turn allows us to see what we
really want out of life.

One can fall in love, get married and have kids without ever
realizing if they are happy.

I daresay being in love is not the goal. Don’t get me wrong,
I’m not trivializing love. It’s just that in the greater scheme of things,
knowing ourselves and surpassing ourselves are far greater rewards where love
does not workout.

So take heart, that even if we are (To quote Waylon
Jennings)

“lookin’ for love in all the wrong places” (your parents will know, cos its pretty damn
old song. And yes, I’m ancient),

there’s always a light; a light that shows the path of
discovering who you are and living a full and fulfilled life. But only if you
are willing to accept and learn from those hard knocks in life … either that or
you’d take a straight train down to hell.

So stay positive.

My Advertisement – My Attempt at Being Cheap

This whole blog would make it seem that I’m not the least
enamored by the auspices of L.O.V.E. I do admit I am a bit jaded but I still
would be delighted with the notion of standard lifecycle of falling in love,
getting attached, getting married, having kids and settling down in its
entirety. (*Blatant Advertisement*)

Unfortunately, I’m rather ill fated when it comes to being
attached. (*Another Blatant
Advertisement*)

Must be something wrong somewhere.  (*Actually,
I don’t really care haha*)

(So Dino stop spreading rumors about my preferences. I know
you and Johnny love each other. – Ok, that’s officially my last ever Dino gay joke … He’s an awesome fun guy and not gay at all)

But Seriously, Love
is Great

But hey, love is great … I’m glad I never have to look far
to see my faith restored despite all the desolation. I just have to look at my
parents.

I have seen all manner of their fights, their anger, their
sadness …. And yet … years upon years of marriage have mellowed them and made
them life partners.They still call each other every day … they still make
effort to go everywhere together … My mum is the chatty one whereas my dad, the
silent.

And yet they make a wonderful union of souls … my dad calls my mum the
fire whereas he is the water … together they calm each other.

Ain’t that great?

Love is just in front of me … all 40 plus years of
it.

 

 

I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.

I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to react than it is to think.

I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life.

I’ve learned that true love continues to grow, even over the longest distance.

I’ve learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.

I’ve learned that it’s who we are inside as individuals that hold far more meaning than any measure of accolade, riches or popularity can ever be. To look into the mirror at the end of it all, bereft of all worldly yardsticks, and honestly say "I gave my all, I have lived my life and I did it honorably".

A friend of mine blogged an awfully interesting title the other day, "A  life lived in resigned desperation is a life not lived."  In his usual comic tendencies, he put forth a point traversed so many times by so many people …

If you want a life less ordinary, live it. Throw caution to the wind and take your chances. Breathe the air as it was supposed to be experienced. Embrace life.

All very disconnected quips, but stating the same. If you want something in life, go get it. Don’t let failure or worse the fear of failure stop you from pursuing your goals.

If you are like me, oftentimes we never know what we want out of life, which direction to take. So we wait … and wait … and wait, hoping it’d suddenly hit us like a brick wall and we’d find out our purpose in life.

We placate our fears with the fact that we will strike when the iron is hot. And that when we do, we’d charge mercilessly towards our goals … we’d be huge success. we dream of the riches and accolades raining down. Yes, we’d be able to do it.

That is, of course, until we’ve discovered our passion. In the meantime, we just have to wait. No problem. Let’s wait.

There’s a fine line between waiting and procrastination and fear. I did it for the longest time … until I decided to change. Why?

A friend of mine, a meticulous, hardworking person and extremely intelligent … had a pretty nice, stable job … very well-liked and was easily primed for higher positions. Career-wise … it seemed quite a good pace to strive at … moving into greater heights safely … secured in the thought that there was great support from the superiors, receiving compliments after compliments …

But it wasn’t enough. As an extremely organized person, so prone to pre-planning and and astute risk management, my friend decided to take the plunge. Leaving an industry so intertwined career-wise with all that was comforting and familiar, it was a huge torment of uncertainty to persevere into the complete unknown. I was going like "Wow" - … even I felt fearful … so worried

And yet, no matter which way I looked at it, all I could see was courage. Courage to step out of the comfort zone and risk it. But it was a passion to self-actualize, to be all that you can be that drove the move … and with that, it invoked an overwhelming amount of respect.

I mean, we have but one life, lets just live it the way we want it to be. Sure, sometimes we don’t know what to risk for … but just take the first bus that piques your interest and ride it out.

And so on my part, I started to pick up an awfully thick book and went back to school. I have no idea how I’m gonna read this damn book or when I’m gonna finish it. But I will and I will not stop there.  It will go on until I find another better bus to ride in.

This takes a far lesser courage than what my blogger friend suggests and surely a lot less risk then what my career-changing friend is doing .. but hey … it’s a start.

So take life by the horns and live it. Take responsibility of your own life and go work for what you want cos if you want to be happy … you’ve got to pursue it.

PS: Even got my boss to change his entire management style after 5 long years .. How? By drafting out new (very risky) proposals and presenting them (after organizing my peers to back up the plan, of course) .. its still going to be  lot of work … but it’s a lot brighter. So get off your ass!

Knowing what you want isn’t something that many figure out immediately. Be it career, love or life in general, we never really know where we end up. A lot of times we are faced with inhibitors, stupefying our efforts to make our lives better. Like the time you pursued that someone of your supposed dreams or another time when you were so sure that a certain career was meant to be or even when everything in life seemed to fall in place.

Life just throws us a boomerang and hits us on the head. The point of it all is that we never know what will be … no matter how much we plan for it.

I started Salsa dancing again last May 2006, on a whim that I’d finally master the dance. At no time in this quest of mine, did I ever fathom that any good would come from it. You see I actually started salsa 2-3 years ago … moving from one dance studio to another trying with little success to get some semblance of rhythm.

So here I was trying another seemingly futile attempt, to right my two left feet. The first few classes was not very pretty, the images of my ineptitude came back to haunt. I couldn’t get it right even after a progressing a few modules. Pathetic, I felt. I thought of quitting so many times. I just wanted to let everything go. It seemed so easy to sink back into my comfort zone of aimless debauchery.

But I stayed. Not of the dance but of the people I met. They made me stay. They made me appreciate community.

Honestly, I hated looking like a fool but I enjoyed the camaraderie.

Over time, this turned out to be quite a blessing in this disguise. I finally got to learn salsa. Sure, I still do hit the odd face, elbow the tummy and kungfu some poor soul but it’s rare (sort of). I’ve truly learnt to enjoy salsa … (and *gasp* I’m not too bad after all)

There were a lot of other things that had happened along the way in my personal Latin jungle; a lot of emotional ups and downs … scandal notwithstanding as well haha (no, I’m never going to tell) but I’ve learnt that it is good to try … even if you don’t really know what you want.

Salsa seemed so hard at first. And yet, I persevered because I thought that was what I really wanted. However, in the end … I found something else … a community that was so much more valuable than the dance itself and special people who now mean the world to me.

I look back and reminisce … it was just supposed to be about discovering a dance, but I discovered a world.

The moral I learnt?
Try something hard … you never know what treasures await you.

I don’t think I can do justice to this blog today. You see, I write a lot better when I’m in a depressive mood. As weird as it seems, words flow much more easily when my mistress, Melancholia, is around. Unfortunately, today she seems to have sauntered somewhere else, undoubtedly consorting with some other poor soul.

Now, without the comfort of her presence, my words have gone amuck … lacking rational meaning and lucid form. Structuring my sentences appears to be infinitely impossible. Writing just seems like peculiar conundrum of endless crooks and crannies. I have lost coherence. Totally lost it. So do pardon the decline in my oft-lambasted literary litany.

Why?

Well, as I have said, Melancholia left me … affronting someone else I assume.

So what now?

Well … it’s not exactly bad … just different … but I like it.

You see, I’m happy. So amazingly happy I really am. I haven’t felt this happy for the longest time.

So lifted, like a wounded winged creature sprouting its feathers again. Soaring, climbing to unimaginable heights of ecstasy. You see …

It was my birthday.

I didn’t expect to celebrate it … was hoping it to be a non-event, to be swept under the rugs like specks of dust. I didn’t want anything to do with it cos there wasn’t anything to celebrate about.

And yet … despite all my aversions … it didn’t turn out quite that way. I didn’t celebrate my birthday. My friends did.

So with that … I flew … a crescendo … a fiery phoenix of unbridled joy … I smiled, I laughed and I gave thanks

The Scene: Union Square was ecstatic, The Music: Salsa made me heady and The Present: XXX was a thoroughly wonderful jolt

And yet, it was not the club, it was not the music, it was not the gift … they didn’t matter.

It was everyone.

And to everyone … I thank you … thank you for the perfect day.

Thank you all for simply making me so unbelievably happy.

Thank you to CB for walking aimlessly around with me for the better part of the day, looking stupidly at handphones after handphones. Being ridiculously patient with my propensity to engage in philosophical musings coupled a serious affliction of absurdity.

Thank you to Ben and Shah, for willing … willing their way into Union Square when I know they feel humongously out of their element. For drinking Tiger beer with a smile on their faces, when I know they drink far more “Stella Artois-ic” drinks. Thanks for being there 15 years ago … thanks again for still being here.

Thank you to our dear Paparazzi, for being so gamely taking and an infinite number of pictures of me being plastered with so many other people … and just being plain plastered … alcoholically by the guys.

Thank you to Wendy, for being such a surprise of simply being there, giving me “attitude” (What’s new? :)) on the dance floor, at the “photoshoot” and at basically every opportunity possible (haha) Always loved your company.

Thank you to Patrick, Cedric, Sonny Boy, Darren, Kenny, etc (well, I haven’t decided to thank you or whack you just yet) for plying with an incessant deluge of ladies, namely, Ms. Tequila, Ms, Vodka, Madam Brandy, Lady Tiger and the truly horrible Mistress Basketball (Wtf is that, Patrick?)

Thank you to J2, playing “brother” to me, drinking on my behalf and keep looking out for me the whole night with his “You need me to drive you?” “I’ll send you home” “ You ok or not?” etc etc.

Thank you to the double Karens, for working behind the scenes trying to get things done; for quietly but assuredly coordinating. K1, for so willingly (finally) dance with me (haha … btw, who is this ah boy?) K2 for giving me that splendid dance once again even after I hammered her head and elbowed her time and again. (Deepest apologies as the urge to visit the boy’s room was really distracting)

Thank you to Donn, for being so amazingly nice for holding back his urges to intoxicate the crap out of me and for seriously just the being so warmingly welcoming whenever I show my stupid face.

Thank you to Wenling, for showing concern all this time. Always comforting, always jovial, always smiling.

Thank you to Cheryl, for baking me a CAKE! Wow, that was a huge surprise. I’ve never ever had anyone bake anything for me. Thank you for the sweat and toil, thank you for the effort.

PC, Guowei, HY, Edward, Johnny, JP, Zhiguang, Francis, John, Yi Chuan, Chris etc
Thank you to all the guys who talk crap and made the whole evening unimaginably fun. Yes, even thank you for the numerous attempt to make Union Square my bed for the night with the nonstop request to drink. Most of all, thank you for the camaraderie.

Audrey, Germaine, Serene, Christine, Ellen, Wendy, Karen 1, Karen 2, Li Shan, Rachel etc
Thank you to all the gals, for being so tolerant of my alcohol induced dance state. For being so willingly and eagerly asking me for a dance. I really felt like some hot salsa hunk from Chippendales. Thank you for letting me live the dream of being a Hottie for a day.

Lastly, thank you to that wonderful person who made me feel special in ways I’ve never experienced. There are no words to exchange, no words to clarify, no words to describe … nothing that I can say to express the gratitude. All I can leave you is what an amazing person wrote, “Knowing you has been the greatest thing that has happened to me during these past few years, you have been my greatest confidante …”

PS: Pardon the poor writing. And yes, eyes do not deceive you … there are colours in this post

(I plucked this little gem of insight from another website. I liked it and I hope you do too)

The idea of living without regrets is a mantra for the ages. Despite this, it’s too easy to live by the status quo and try to fix your mistakes as you go through life. What is regrettable varies from person to person, and some things that cause regret are beyond control. But if you find yourself trying to patch up your life, chances are you’ll find yourself regretting more and more of the things you didn’t do.

Because life is so short, actually living it can help you feel like you’ve accomplished something. When you’re down, it may seem like the only way to live life to the fullest is to have the bank account of a CEO and the schedule of a free-spirit, but this is not necessarily the case. Consideration and planning will help anyone reach their seemingly unattainable goals. When you have attained your goals, you’ll definitely have something interesting to talk about around the water cooler — like the weekend you and your friends went skydiving.

1) Make a list of aspirations
Did you ever notice that it’s easier to focus on something tangible? That’s because the more concrete an idea is, the harder it is to forget. Without a concrete idea, months and years will slip through your fingers. With this in mind, make a solid plan for your future endeavors. It doesn’t need to be too detailed; it just needs to put into writing your major long-term goals, such as travel plans, getting a raise at work or finishing that book you’ve been intending to write. Once you write them down, post the list somewhere visible or somewhere you can review them often. This way, your future goals will become ingrained in your mind, and you’ll stay focused on completing them. Select the easier goals to accomplish first; this way you’ll build some success momentum for the more difficult ones.

2) Break it down
As you pin down each long-term goal, break it down into smaller units. Big tasks are often daunting and may leave you without enough motivation to tackle them. You’re more likely to fail and wear yourself down if you leave a big task on the shelf for an extended period of time. Stop this cycle by breaking it down into more manageable units for the shorter-term. For instance, instead of telling yourself that you’ll finish writing your book by the time you’re 40 (a task that seems far away and life-changing), set the smaller goal of finishing one chapter by the end of the month. This gives you something immediate to work on, and it’s completely attainable. After you’ve met that deadline, you’ll feel confident in your abilities and capable of setting a new goal; one that’s just as attainable. Completing one small task at a time will get you moving forward and on your way to that huge goal you thought you’d never meet.

Become your own events planner and have confidence in yourself…

3) Mark your calendar
Take charge and plan your social occasions. If you don’t have plans for the big holiday weekend, make your own plans and get all your buddies on board. The only way to make memories is to do stuff, and the only way to ensure that you’re doing stuff is to take responsibility for planning your own social calendar. Sure, good things come to those who wait, but those who plan ahead ensure that their good fate will come. This means being proactive. If you’re jealous of other guys who play poker with their friends, buy some chips and invest in some beer nuts; chances are that your friends will be more than happy to take part. It’s possible they’ve been waiting around for someone to get the party started. The point is that you need to create your own opportunities to have a great time.

4) Build yourself up
As you enjoy some of the success from your smaller long-term goals, and as you make great memories — and build a reputation as a great party planner — remind yourself of what you’ve done and what you’re capable of in the future. Relish in what you’ve accomplished to make your life fuller and less regretful. As you see yourself accomplishing your own goals, you’ll be motivated to tackle even more. When you do something that causes problems or slips, treat yourself as you’d treat an employee at work; with sensitivity and constructive criticism. Harboring negative feelings about your failures is akin to being hard on somebody at work, and you’ll resent and discourage yourself. Remember that you’re only human, but you can accomplish great things with your life.

5) Take notes
Be a good student and learn from your mistakes. If you have a nasty experience, don’t let it discourage you; rather, let it teach you a lesson of what to be wary of or what to tweak in your own behavior. If you consistently fall into the same, bad situation, take a moment to analyze what brought you there. Take note of the things that you could have avoided. This way, if you see the same hazards come up again in the future, you’ll know what to do to get around them safely. Learning from your mistakes can really enrich your life and can help you avoid countless nasty and regretful moments.

6) Keep in touch
Make a vow to keep in touch with people who are important to you. It may not seem like a big deal now, but in your later years, the dissolution of personal relationships may be a really big regret. Devote a morning or an evening each week to make that one visit, meet for a coffee with that one friend or make that long-overdue phone call. Each time you touch base, you’ll be working toward the further goal of maintaining friendships. Sometimes it’s hard when you have a lot going on, but later on, when life slows down, you’ll be glad to have taken care to keep your friends close. As an added bonus, you’d be surprised what people can teach you when you spend a little time talking with them.

7) See the future
Keep one eye on what you’re doing, and the other on your future self. It’s really easy to get caught up in the moment and do things you’ll wish you hadn’t. Occasionally, we all suffer from a bad temper, impulse buying or other actions of passion, but try your best to keep these moments of weakness to a minimum. Buying that big-screen television may prevent you from going on vacation this year, and that bad temper may cost you a job or a great girl.

Ditching your dirty “friends” and keeping yourself grounded…

If you have doubt about how you should deal with a particular situation, think about how you want the story to go in the future, and act accordingly. This way, instead of burning bridges or wasting time, you’ll be preserving the right opportunities and ensuring that more will come along.

Study up
Each experience should teach you something as both accomplishments and failures carry their own lessons. Pay attention, look around, and learn from what you see. Each time you do something great, pat yourself on the back and remember what got you there. Better still; learn not only from your experiences, but from those of others around you. Keep a journal or make a mental note, but keep track of the actions that further your goals and those that hinder them. If you find something that works, use it in each situation you think it’s applicable. If you can get a lesson from the events in your life, you will be better off as time goes on.

9) Drop your dead weight
Most people deserve a second chance when they screw up; however, there are others that, for one reason or another, just are not good for you. Some try to use your good nature to further their goals, while others are a roadblock on your way to your achievements. Don’t waste your time with toxic people. If there’s somebody who always brings you down, it might serve you well to burn that bridge and never look back. However, be frugal with those relationships that you choose to ditch, as those who drive you crazy now may be very good for you later on. It’s divine to be fair and forgiving, but if you get burned more than once by the same guy, it may be better to leave him to his own devices. Just know when to cut the ties.

10) Anchor yourself
Keep little reminders of what you want all around you. They don’t need to be embarrassingly obvious, but they do need to remind you of your priorities. If you dream of a vacation spot in cottage country, hang a picture of your oasis in your office. Sometimes a powerful quote or excerpt reminds you of what’s important: if so, put it on a Post-it in your planner. If your anchors grow stale and you ignore them, move them to a new place (you’d be surprised how much you’ll notice them again) or get new ones. Life is lived in the everyday, so use your anchors to help you aim high in all that you do.

Treasure Your Time
Living a great life on your own terms is an enviable goal; it’s also a very accomplishable goal if you set your mind to it. It’s important to realize that achieving your goals should be rewarding every step of the way and not just at the end. Make sure that as you’re mapping out your future, you’re also relishing in the present.

There’s nothing that causes more regret than letting the good times slip by. Keep your eyes open to the world around you and immediately use the opportunities that come your way. Never lose sight of your goals and remember that balance is the key to success.

I actually felt sorry for myself.
I thought I was sad for the longest time.

 

It was hard to keep a smiling
exterior when everything seems so tiring. For sure, there were times when I
felt happy, when I was dancing the night away, but sadness always returns. I’ve
had been having too many bad dreams of late. They leave me exhausted. Like a
lumbering sloth, my feeble body feels so drained of essence. I’m so tired. So
infinitely tired of my fastidiously overactive mind.

 

I actually felt sorry for myself.
I was wrong.

 

There are worse demons out there
that would wreak far greater havoc. What is sadness compared to the chasm of
blackness night that besiege … the cheerless few, grasped so tightly in the
raptures of depression. Such an evil word. Seemingly harmless, a position of
the supposedly weak, of the spineless … yet only seemingly.

 

I actually felt sorry for
myself. Until I read an email from a
friend and I remembered.

 

“just want to see you guys before anything
happen to me again…….I am bleeding so badly internally, I could feel blood
flowing intermittently from my heart, lung, intensities, bone, veins”

 

“can’t grab hold onto any rope of light…..how i cried for the
lost of my authentic self……tears are rain upon the blinding dust of earth,
overlying our hard hearts….sadly i have no heart at all……….just a body
without a soul”

 

“my very existence is so theatrical that I think the audience as
well as the actors and actresses hope for an ending as soon as possible whether
is it for good or bad because they could either placed my trophy on the altar
or just bury it somewhere to envelope all it’s hurt and suffering”

 

I don’t feel sorry for myself
anymore. My sorrow is nothing. Indeed, it is even laughable, if not, outright
pathetic. I wish I could be there for my friend, a very beautiful friend both
within and without.

 

Depression. Despair.
Hopelessness. Misery. Desolation. Gloom.

 

I had used to think it was the
burden of the weak, those who couldn’t, or rather wouldn’t endure life’s tests.
Depression, in my obtuse mind, equated with anything from being simply unable
to pass an exam, to the perennial heartbreak or to a death of a loved one.

 

Everyone goes though these
obstacles and we grow stronger, and lead fuller lives. Anyone who couldn’t,
just needed a nudge in the right direction, a supporting hand to tide the
times. And if they couldn’t, they needed some hard love and a whack on the
head. These were weak ones. The crybabies.

 

I was wrong. So very wrong.

 

“Sadness is an emotion that we all feel at
times. It’s not the same as depression.”

 

“Depression (Clinical) is a state of intense sadness,
melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an
individual’s social functioning and/or activities of daily living.”

 

Depression makes you wake up
wishing you were dead.

 

Life becomes such a chore, such a
pain; it becomes fear itself.

 

To most, it makes no sense. It
didn’t to me and I’m sure to the countless millions out there, it doesn’t
either. But depression exists. It’s one thing to be sad and morose, its quite
another to be depressed.

 

Depression is a disease. It’s not
a sign poor character. It’s a disease.

 

Upfront, it seems like an easy
prescription. We’ve read in the papers, heard stories from friends, passed
emails of triumphant individuals who overcame all manner adversity. Support
groups, psychiatrists, words of comfort, yada yada yada … and if nothing works,
prozac … turning you into a zombie bereft of your former shell.

 

It isn’t.

 

I’ve been honored to share this world
with a few who have labored arduously years upon years in these wicked conditions.
To walk hand in hand, a privy to their daily internal wars … the silent crying,
the stifling emptiness, the … (words leave me) … It is heartbreaking to say
the least; to see them smile and cheer everyone on and yet silently keeping
their tragic strife within themselves.

 

I did not see weaklings. I did
not see lazy people who would rot in life. I did not see cowards.

 

What I see is strength. The
ability to try …, to try everyday, every single day to brush aside their woes
and move on with their lives … to get better.

 

And yet, it’s so hard so very
hard …

 

Imagine …

 

… choosing the stairs over a
building. Walking down those stairs and then simply willing oneself to trip, to
give oneself another try at life.

 

… standing by the pavement,
trying to find the courage NOT to walk blissfully in front of an oncoming bus

 

… sitting on the window ledge on
a daily event … not because of the urge to jump but rather finding solace in
being closer to death.

 

… going to sleep afraid, so
terrifyingly afraid of the next day … crying as you wake up … that you are
still alive. Life becomes fear itself, fear not of cowardice but of the sadness
that simply overwhelms, the heartbreaking forlorn that no one understands …

 

“All manner of hope lost

Only nothingness to live for

There is no meaning

Our mere existence being …

Simply a stain on the tapestry of
life.”

 

Insanity! … I’m sure many would
be quick to shriek. They’d holler from the rooftops:

 

1) Life is so wonderful, so
great. Don’t waste it.

2) There is so much more to life
to see.

3) You would only be hurting your
loved ones.

4) Don’t be so selfish. There are
others worse off.

5) Don’t be stupid. I expected
better from you.

 

And a thousand more “words of
wisdom” would flow to placate the afflicted mind of the troubled.

 

That’s was what I did. I used
those same words. It made sense to me.

 

Why be depressed? Why take one’s
life? I didn’t understand.

 

“I know that! Don’t you think I know
that!!??? I’ve heard all manner of it. I’ve gone through these same words
countless of times. I’ve tried and I’m still trying. But everyday, the
blackness keeps eating away at me and I’m fighting a losing battle. I’m tired …
so very tired to fight anymore.”

 

It’s been years but those words
still ring in my head.

 

I was stupid. I didn’t
understand,

 

I don’t think I’ll ever will.

 

Perhaps in our times of sadness,
we have encountered a glimpse of the cold world that my friends live in.
Perhaps in my times of being with them, sharing with them … I’ve learnt a bit
of the word depression … in their own words … perhaps …

 

I actually felt sorry for myself.
Such folly.

 

I am sad. But that is nothing.

 

We experience sadness but along
with it, the happiness of life in all its rich diversity.

 

Depression provides little of
that respite. There is only sadness and the constant struggle to find solitude
within the walls of the mind.

 

Everyday I wish fervently for my
friends … To see daylight in midst of the drudgery, the all-encompassing pain.
To hold their hands securely … in the cold unbounded night. And to, one day,
walk free … to see the welcoming sun as I do.

 

I will never ever abandon them. I
will always hold them closest to my heart. Not because they are unwell, not
because they need me to be there, but because they among the strongest, and
most wonderful people I’ve ever had the opportunity to befriend and in
consequence,  touch my heart.

 

Apologetically, I fall short of
the superlatives to describe my dear friends who fight on … I pray they find
solace before darkness completely envelops … I pray that I will always be there
for them and selfishly … I pray that I will be strong enough.

 

Quote

“all I could do now is to laugh which is not of my own accord….I
do not need you to understand anything about my shrinkage just simply to say
every of my laughter bears my pain now”